Jokes

[Brit]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Somewhat horrified, Katie asked her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued...

"He'd still be alive if that ice-cream van hadn't come along."

[Brit]

Four married guys go fishing ...

After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy ! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal ?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[joew]

itma said:

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday Morning."

Somewhat horrified, Katie asked her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realising our advancing age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even... Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued...

"He'd still be alive if that ice-cream van hadn't come along."

LOL

[gailkate]

Out of context, but this tactic could be used in numerous ways.


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[Brit]

Grandpa confided in the Doctor that he was worried that Grandma was becoming deaf.

Knowing the disposition of Grandma, the good doctor suggested that Grandpa first asks Grandma a question from 30 steps away. If there was no answer, try repeating the question from 25 steps away, and gradually, every 5 steps nearer until she answered.

So Grandpa asked Grandma from 30 steps away what was for dinner that night. No reply.

"What's for dinner?" he asked from 25 steps away. Nothing.

And from 20 steps. Still no reply.

And from 15 and still he heard nothing.

Standing a few feet away from her in the kitchen, he asked once more: "What's for dinner tonight?"

Grandma turned from the stove and said "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES ELMER! FOR THE FIFTH TIME - CHICKEN."

[brutus]

Little David, a third grader, was never late for school, except for this particular day. Nearly two hours late, he wandered into the classroom looking rather sleepy.

"David!" exclaimed the teacher; "Why are you so late, today?"

"My dad sleeps naked." Was the short reply.

The teacher paused, then asked, "What does your dad's sleeping naked have to do with your tardiness?"

David shuffled his feet then replied, "Well, Miss Smith? You see, there's been a coyote hangin' around our farm 'n' he's got a coupla mom's hens already. Last night I woke up hearin' Dad tellin' Mom that that darned coyote was down by the chicken coop and he was gonna get 'im. So, out the door he goes, no pants, boots, no nothin', just the shotgun and the big flashlight. Our dog, Sadie followed him. Dad's leanin' over the fence with the shotgun ready and shinin' around that flashlight when Sadie comes up behind him with her wet nose and, Miss Smith, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin."
~B~

[ozski]

[joew]

Chicken jokes, is it?

The man hears an unusual noise level from the chicken coop in the middle of the night, so he goes out and calls into the coop, "Who's there?" From within comes the reply, "Nobody but us chickens, boss."

[gailkate]

Couldn't find a chicken joke.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady
And an
Old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the
Glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking
In the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into
His shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a
Holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer'.

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
Tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected,
Gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came into his
Shop.
'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.
'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she
said enthusiastically.
'I can't thank you enough! But one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I
Had to share the room with?'

[brutus]

Ole had been absent from his regular coffee klatch for some over two weeks. Upon his return, his pals wanted to know where he'd been.
"Vell" said Ole, "Me 'n' Lena yus' celebrated our tventy-fith anniversary. I took her to Norvay."

His pals were impressed, Oscar asked, "So, what'll you do for your fiftieth?"

Ole thought for a moment, "Vell, I t'ink I yus might go back and get 'er!"

~B~

[gailkate]

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq , Afghanistan , Syria and Lebanon ).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[gailkate]

Itma, ignore this. I especially like #4.

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark

One : Don't miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven : For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn't everything. Snails, tortoises, cheetahs, gazelles - everybody got a place on board.
Nine : When you're stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

[rmn]

Cowboy Whisperer

A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: "Nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"

Indian: "Dog no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian.)

Dog: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Indian: "Horse no talk."

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian.)

Horse: "Yep."

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Indian: "Sheep lie."

[Brit]

I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

[Brit]

A reader of the Glasgow Herald attending her grand-daughter's seventh birthday party was delighted when the little one announced that she and her brother had rehearsed a little duet that they were going to perform for the guests.

"How wonderful and old-fashioned," thought granny.

She was brought swiftly back to the present, though, when her granddaughter then announced:

"Before we start, ladies and gentlemen, could you please make sure that all cell-phones are switched off. Thank you."

[gailkate]

Not a joke, but the giggles will make you smile.

video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=681118&fr=

[Brit]

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.

[Brit]

Someone here likes Ray Stevens I seem to recall.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_067ahbXfg

[brutus]

itma said:

Someone here likes Ray Stevens I seem to recall.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_067ahbXfg

Oh yeah!! I loved all those Ray Stevens songs. Even without video the lyrics bring about some visions that bring a tear to the eye!!
~B~

[Brit]

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Seamus with a look of amazement on his face and says:

"Seamus, will you have a look at that shop over there. I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Seamus says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that - Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin, so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Seamus, that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're going to export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Seamus thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent, out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish, no he won't."

"OK Seamus", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English."

So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner.

Paddy then proceeds to do his best Cockney impression: "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Seamus as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh begorrah, if that isn't me best English accent! How did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies: "This is a Dry Cleaner Shop".

[joew]

Two Canadians decide that they can make a lot of money selling Christmas trees in the States. So they rent a truck, load it full with trees at $1.00 apiece, and drive south. When they find a likely spot in Pennsylvania, they stop and set out their sign, "Christmas Trees — $1.00." When all the trees are sold they return home and sit down to figure how they've done. They are astonished to realize that expenses have exceeded receipts – they have lost money, so they ponder why it happened and how they can make a profit at it. Finally they come up with the answer: next year they have to rent a larger truck.

[Brit]

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

[Brit]

One morning a guy took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the ****!" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

His wife shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[Brit]

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Irish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Irishmen over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Irish old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Irish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Well," said Seamus O'Foggerty, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting we gonna do is fix da brakes on dat frigging truck."

[Brit]

This will keep art lovers occupied for a whole weekend.

Or longer.

www.dearauntnettie.com/museum/index.htm

[Brit]

I'd tell you some of them gail, but Elton John has just opened the Concert for Diana, live on TV.

I won't be around for much of the rest of the day - the concert is in three parts and goes on until it's dark!

What a line up!

[Trusty]

itma said:

What a line up!

I'll say! Behold, the line up

[joew]

admin said:

itma said:

What a line up!

I'll say! Behold, the line up

Wow! Fergie's lost a lot of weight, hasn't she? And she's done a lot to her hair.

[Brit]

A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him;

"What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's backside."

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife;

"Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that..."

[joew]

LOL, itma.