Jokes

[rmn]

Anyone listening to NPR early last Friday afternoon heard this:

A snail was sliding down the road at about a pace you'd imagine when, without warning, the snail was attacked, beaten, and robbed by two turtles.

When the cops arrived, they asked the snail what had happened. The snail replied, "I really don't remember. It all happened so fast."

[doctork]

I learned a lot of stuff in Omaha at the Family Practice Refresher Course (aka "bootcamp"). You all know the Serenity Prayer, right?
Well, for older adults, here is "The Senility Prayer"

God grant me the senility to:

• Forget the people I never liked anyway
  
• The good fortune to run into the ones that I do like
  And
  
• The good eyesight to tell the difference.
  

[Brit]

Not a joke. True:

Nivea for Men have brought out a new "24 hour moisturiser".

The instruction on the pack advises: "Apply twice a day."

[rmn]

Good stuff, Doc K. You, too, itma. Turns out this offering of amusement has earned you your first Karma point. Indeed, thou hast been exalted.

And now, for my less-than-stellar contribution (Hide the children...not for kids' eyes):

Did you hear about the man with five penises? His pants fit like a glove.

Sigh.

[gailkate]

Sigh, indeed
I may have sent this to some of you privately because it needed a little language adjustment.


A man steps into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things like that happened to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "But there are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow! Some guy then?"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank - he never made a mistake - and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "A remarkable fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his #@*%!!! widow."

[joew]

e-mail forwarded to me

//To my wine drinking friends...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

//

[gailkate]

One of our brethren turned me on to the web site of Adam Felber, one of the regulars on NPR's "Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me!" A few days ago this transcriptof a purported phone conversation between Blair and Bush was posted:


Transcript: Bush and Blair, The Final Chapter?
By Adam Felber on May 14, 2007 at 10:15 am

BLAIR: Hello?

BUSH: Tone-man! Tony award! Tony Toni Toné!

BLAIR: Good morning, George.

BUSH: “Mornin’?” What th- Oh, yeah. It’s like 10 AM over there.

BLAIR: 3:15, actually.

BUSH: Wow, well you’re up early.

BLAIR: …

BUSH: Anyway, just callin’ to say that I heard the news about your resindignation, and I want you to know how sorry I am.

BLAIR: Why thank you, George.

BUSH: And even though I accept it, I would never have fired you. Never.

BLAIR: What?

BUSH: Said the same to Rummy, I’ll say it to you. I appreciate the gesture, but I wouldn’t've -

BLAIR: George, the President of the United States can’t fire England’s Prime Minister!

BUSH: …

BLAIR: ….

BUSH: You sure about th-

BLAIR: Yes!

BUSH: Oh. Then why are you steppin’ down?

BLAIR: Well… really? In confidence?

BUSH: Shoot.

BLAIR: Well, it’s become like a bad relationship. Have you ever been in one of those? You give and give and give, and it’s all taken for granted. You give yourself completely over to it, you make risky, dangerous choices just to keep things going, because you think it’s expected… but ultimately, even though you’re not doing it for yourself, you’re the one who shoulders all the blame and responsibility. Soon, it stops being about what you think is right; it becomes about pleasing someone else, not letting them down, keeping the relationship going at all costs, even at the price of your own self-respect, and health, and future. So this time I had to cry “hold, enough.” I’m not going to do this anymore - I’ve lost my self, and I need it back. I need it back.

BUSH: …

BLAIR: …

BUSH: Wow.

BLAIR: Well, there it is.

BUSH: I’m sorry.

BLAIR: Thank you.

BUSH: I mean, I never knew it was so bad over there, Tone. But if England’s treatin’ you that way, of course you have to break it off.

BLAIR: “England?”

BUSH: Britain. “The Uck.” Whatever.

BLAIR: George, I was talking about you. You and me.

[pause]

BUSH: Oh. Wow. Kinda awkward.

BLAIR: Well, that’s how it is.

BUSH: I’m real sorry.

BLAIR: It’s okay, it’s my fault. I just need to move on.

BUSH: Well, I understand.

BLAIR: Thank you.

BUSH: But before you go -

BLAIR: I don’t want to hear this.

BUSH: Just wanted to ask you…

BLAIR: George, please…

BUSH: No, no, nothing big. I’m just saying… Got a little trouble over in Iran. Possible nucular terror goin’. on. Could use a little help. But, hey, I understand that you need to make a clean break. Do it myself. Defend freedoms…

[pause.]

[pause.]

BLAIR: *sigh* How many troops would you need?

BUSH: Atta boy!

[joew]

LOL

Best line may be "Wow, well you're up early."

But there's a lot of good stuff.

[gailkate]

Glad you liked it. I'm hoping to find a way to mention that I have friends in Uck.

[SeattleDan]

I have no idea of who gailkate might be talking about, but I gotta say that Adam Felber is one funny fella. And if you go to his site and you see comments from a certain SeattleDan, or from SeattleTammy, we deny any association.

[gailkate]

Well, Dan, I just wanted to respect your cover if you had any special reasons for hiding your radical posts ;-)

This is a video. At first I thought the kid was using some specially edited sound clips - which would have been great in itself - but he or someone has to be saying at least some of these lines.

3 mins. absolutely worth your time and clean to boot.

www.jibjab.com/view/125614

[rmn]

Wonderful stuff, GK. That young man is talented. Made my afternoon.

[joew]

Not half bad.

[Brit]

A READER visiting Lanark Loch at the weekend noticed that the popular trampolines had a notice at the ticket booth which stated: "You must not use the trampoline if you are pregnant or you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs."

Fair enough, he thought, until he saw that the sign next to it stated that the trampolines were for the use of 3 to 14-year-olds only.

[Brit]

An MBA and an Engineer go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, the Engineer woke his MBA companion.

"Look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

The MBA replied, "I see millions of stars."

The Engineer pursued the point: "What does that tell you?"

The MBA assessed the situation and pondered for a minute:

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?"

The Engineer friend is silent for a moment, and then suggested:














"Practically...it tells me that someone has stolen our frigging tent".

[gailkate]

!!!!!!!!!
I hesitate to post this minor offering.

The Power of Eminent Domain
A Minnesota Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "I guess I got no choice, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of
Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish
to assess land for state acquisition."

The old farmer, shaking his head, went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and
close behind was the farmer's prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card, smartass!!"

[rmn]

Home runs by itma and GK. You know, itma, that your joke won 1st prize in a recent competition highlighting the greatest jokes of all time. Originally, and I might be mistaken, the joke had Sherlock Holmes as the engineer and Dr. Watson as the MBA. In any case, highly amusing stuff.

[Brit]

Yes rmn, the old 'uns are good 'uns!


An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said:

"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my frigging teeth!"

[joew]

LOL, itma.

[joew]

Courtesy of a friend who is an Air Force retiree ——


U.S. Marine Saves The Life of an Air Force Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap

Sacramento, CA., May 17, 2007

Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing the Eagle, Globe and Anchor:

An Air Force LtCol narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he decided to try horseback riding, even though he had no lessons or prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately sprang into action. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the LtCol began to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabbed for the horse's mane, but could not get a firm grip. He tried to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he began to slide down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse galloped along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the LtCol attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head struck against the ground over and over and over.

As his head was being battered against the ground and he was mere moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune a Marine Sergeant shopping at that Target saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.

[Brit]

Gailkate remarked in posting #222:

At first I thought the kid was using some specially edited sound clips - which would have been great in itself - but he or someone has to be saying at least some of these lines.

This is the answer:

www.jibjab.com/view/69023

[rmn]

Trusty, is there a way I can give joew an automatic 10 karma points for this joke?

[Brit]

An elderly lady called 999 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the Operator:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The Operator said, "Stay calm. A Police car is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radiod in. "Disregard." he says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[Trusty]

rmn said:

Trusty, is there a way I can give joew an automatic 10 karma points for this joke?

You DID have to say "automatic", didn't you?

[Seattle Taz]

[Seattle Taz]

[Seattle Taz]

[SeattleDan]

Hey, ST, Tammy's is addicted to the lolcats site. icanhascheezburger.com/

Those damn cute catz!

[joew]

Very good cat pix. My favorite is "sup"

[Brit]

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you, but I must tell you though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to get this far, St. Peter, sir, but nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one - which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he quietly remarked, "Forrest, that is not exactly what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter "How many seconds in a year?

"Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, 'though that was not quite what I had in mind... but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

"Sure," Forrest replied confidently, "it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and by now frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.

"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run."