Jokes

[scotbrit]

In the UK, we had a comedian called Tommy Cooper and he was as daft as a brush. Dinah couldn't stand him, but since the repeats have come on, she laughs her head off.

Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

Phone answering machine message "... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said: "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
'Is it common? '.
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy."

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?". I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other replied: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well, don't go those places anymore."

[joew]

LOL (which is not to say I wasn't LOL at other posts, Ijust like to encourage you from time to time— you're looking great, the world's your oyster, go for it).

[scotbrit]

Always ask first:

An 8-year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

[scotbrit]

A woman who wished she needed a bigger bra size was recommended to go to Dr. Smith.

"No problem" he said. "All you need to do is, at the start of every day, say out loud

Oobie doobie doobies
I want bigger boobies

But don't forget, it must be out loud."

She did this for a few days, and then one morning on the bus on the way to work she realised she had forgotten to say it, so she did so as quietly as possible.

The man sitting next to her said "Do you go to Dr. Smith?"

Surprised, she asked how he knew.

He replied "Hickory dickory dock"

[rogesgallery]

Thanks for the mamories scot! LOL

[scotbrit]

CHANNEL 4 launched its search for new comedy talent, called Gags to Go, in Glasgow last week.

One potential comedian invited to the launch replied that he would have to leave the event at 7.30pm sharp as he was "involved in some cross-cultural discussion and argument with partners from the European Union at 7.45pm".

Organisers from Channel 4's partners, the Comedy Unit, were impressed with the calibre of candidate they were attracting, until it was pointed out to them that the 7.45pm referred to the start-time of the Glasgow Celtic versus AC Milan soccer match.

[scotbrit]

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?"

[gailkate]

I just caught up again, Brit. Lots of good ones to pass on to friends.
A small offering in exchange:

Spelling to get into Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."




When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.









While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

[gailkate]

I first heard this on GK's joke show. It's still a good one:

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into
the local pub and orders three beers. The bartender raises his
eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at
a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders
three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again
orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the
entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf
of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are
wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two
brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We
promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers
whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The
bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon
the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source
of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would
come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The
bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around
town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The
next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me
first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your
brother. You know - the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy
to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I,
meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

[Trusty]

Ooh, Ooh. I just made one up...

I just realized the real cause of global warming. You see, there are a LOT of female baby-boomers reaching middle-age. and.............................

[ozski]

[glow=red,2,300]NOT

FUNNY

TRUSTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![a href=""][/a][/glow][/color][/b]

[brutus]

German scientists have announced, after digging some three feet in the ground, some 100-yr old copper strands. They smugly announced that Germans had a telephone network over a century ago.
Russian scientists announced that they had dug some five feet and discovered copper strands well over two-hundred years old. Their announcement was of a high tech communication system of two centuries of age.
Not to be outdone, Norwegian authorities went out and dug some twelve feet down and discovered.....nothing. They rang church bells and broke into all news reports that they had discerned that the Norwegians had a wireless system older than either the Germans or the Russians!
~B~

[joew]

A friend sent me some Irish jokes a couple of weeks ago. I've finally gotten around to opening the e-mail. Here's the first.

//Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Immediately, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."//

[joew]

The first one was probably the best, but here's another.

//Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"//

[joew]

One more.
//Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."//

[SeattleDan]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same
way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks
from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes
back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to
intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine.
It's me..."


"...I've quit drinking!"

[SeattleDan]

Oops. Already posted. But, hey, a good joke bears worth repeating....

[Trusty]

Must be several versions to that one. Here's the punch line to the one I heard about the cowboy:

The cowboy looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church, so I had to quit drinking.

Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[slb2]

^{Warning: this tale does include rough language}

Subject: Bad day

Tom is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. This is an email he
sent to his sister. She sent it to Laughline and won the contest (he
wasn't thrilled with her for that one). Anyway ... anytime you think you
have had a bad day at the office, remember this guy.

_________________________________________

April 1998

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose-which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than
the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my dry chamber decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell.

When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it "up my ass" when I get in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward
side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable.

Take care, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Love you,

Tom

[slb2]

This true story tells you just how hard it is to be single nowadays...

This was on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady
discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor, she answered his concerns about "what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it
would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal. Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and
apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again.

As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize.

[slb2]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap, leaving his fishing gear in the boat. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says , "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"I'm reading a book." (thinking: isn't that obvious?)
"You're in a restricted non-fishing area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and
write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says
the woman.
" But I haven't even touched you," says the man.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment."

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[joew]

One last class before graduation at the Naval Academy and the Instructor gave out one final assignment.

"Given one metal pole, two bags of cement, a selection of shovels, a wheel barrow, and any other tools you find necessary,
AND One Chief, one Petty Officer and a selection of Seamen,



DESCRIBE The process you will take to erect the pole so that a flag hung from it can be seen from XX number of feet away.

You have two hours. Begin."

The near-Ensigns began to write with concentration. At the end of two hours, the Instructor called time and collected the papers. Quickly paging through them, he announced the grades. "Ladies and Gentlemen, there are some thorough and detailed responses here, but only one "A". I would like to read it to you.

In order to erect the flag pole, I would do the following: Say "Chief, put up the flagpole."

[Gracie]

Just as I suspected....




Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:
Day 683 of my captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They
dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or
some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I
had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates of what I am capable. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could
hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was
due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to
use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors
have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is
safe....... for now...

[joew]

A little something for those who are veterans and those who like them, courtesy of one of my e-mail correspondents.

//Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again! Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
>>>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.
>>>>> ----------------------------------------------------------------

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman,
"I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be
waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy,
I'm never going to stand in line again!"
>>>>> -----------------------------------------------------------

[joew]

The "Cryptoquote" in today's newspaper is this gem from Ernest Haskins (if I've guessed the fourth letter of the last name correctly):

"Save a little money each month, and at the end of the year, you'll be surprised at how little you have."

[rmn]

Posts 193 (Brut), 197 (Dan), and 200 (Sib):

Please forgive me, because I have confiscated these for my own. Rest assured, I'll give you fine folks credit. Truly, I'm laughing for days over here. BTW, I've been out of the net for a bit. Did Brit leave permanently or is he on hiatus...? You know, of course, that this was a favorite thread of his.

Thanks all.

R

[rmn]

Get back here, Brit. I mean quickly, young man. Otherwise, folks will suffer from this kind of offering:

FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR



1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"



2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.



3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"



4. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.



5. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.



6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.



7. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"



8. Meow occasionally.



9. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.



10. Stare wide-eyed at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.



11. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.



12. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"



13. Say, "Ding" at each floor.



14. Say, "I wonder what these do?" and push/pull all the red buttons & knobs.



15. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."



16. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."



17. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.



18. Start panting heavily, close your eyes and begin chanting, "Enclosed spaces are fun. Enclosed spaces are fun..."



19. When no-one is looking, grab the elevator's hand rails and begin shaking the elevator from side to side and shout, "Oh my God!".



20. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.



21. Grab the elevator phone and pretend you are talking to God.



22. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.



23. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.



24. Sell Girl Scout cookies.



25. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.



26. Shave.



27. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.



28. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"



29. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.



30. Do Tai Chi exercises.



31. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"



32. Give religious tracts to each passenger.



33. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"



34. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.



35. Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.



36. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.



37. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.



38. Burp, and then say "mmmmm...tasty!"



39. Leave a box between the doors.



40. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.



41. Start a sing-along.



42. Play the harmonica.



43. Shadow box.



44. Lean against the button panel.



45. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.



46. Bring a chair along.



47. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, " Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"



48. Blow spit bubbles.



49. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.



50. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.



51. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."



52. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

[joew]

via e-mail I am informed:

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along
the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud "thud",
and
then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking,
he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

"I'll give you a lift."

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver
continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer
walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the
last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved
back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still
heard a loud "thud." Unsure of where the
noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn't see
anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I
almost hit a lawyer."

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

[Trusty]

joew said:

The priest replied, "That's OK, I got him with the door."

;D

[gailkate]

Ten Hail Marys for that one, Joe.

RMN, the elevator pranks are on their way to a circle of friends, widening in ripples and overlapping circles around the world. Assuming everyone here has done the same, every single person on the planet should be chuckling over them by sundown.

I couldn't help thinking many of these could be used in long lines at the post office or supermarket. Or waiting for the restroom at a concert. Or waiting for a table at a crowded restaurant. Wow, the possibilities are electrifying!