Jokes

[Brit]

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time, the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still, and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, and the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a > drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A few weeks later the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[Brit]

A blonde's perspective:

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought maybe if I acted 'crazy' he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a 'light bulb', so the boss might think I was 'crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the world are you doing?"

I told him I was a LIGHT BULB!

He said, "You are CLEARLY stressed out! Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the boss asked her, "And where do you think YOU'RE going?!"

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the DARK.

[Brit]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Brit]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?" "Oh yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Nope - only when it's raining!"

[Brit]

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get a bit of action.

"Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in Comicland. Why don't you try her?" replied Batman.

"I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends. So I don't really want to take advantage of her."

"Damn shame," said Batman as he waved goodbye to Superman and drove off.

Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw the Green Lantern patching up a building. He flew down. "Hey Hal, I'm looking for a little action. You're a swinging bachelor, who's the best babe in comicland?"

"Hey, Superman! Everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best lay in Comicland, why don't you try her?"

"Well, we're sort of friends," Superman said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustration.

Twenty minutes later Superman was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted. He thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."

So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.

Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a dazed expression.
"What the hell was that??" she exclaimed.

"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass
is killing me."

[Trusty]

LMIAO

[joew]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl
In the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to
have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the
Smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly confused and says,
"Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?”

[Brit]

LMIAO?

I get the LMAO, but what is the "I" bit mean?

New one to me - and I need to google Rosie O'Donnell to get the joke.

Some jokes travel and I have had to change some of mine from our colloquial use of words.

[Trusty]

itma said:

LMIAO?

I get the LMAO, but what is the "I" bit mean?

I = Invisible



(I sincerely hope you need no further explanation!) ;D

[Brit]

I got to the bottom of it instantly.

[Brit]

A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa!

The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the blonde waitress interrupted, "Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!

[Trusty]

Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Walt was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?"

Walt replied, "That's silver and it costs $300."

"My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.

From the back room Walt yelled,"Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

[Brit]

A kiwi shepherd was herding his flock in a remote NZ pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW535i advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one ?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and answers "Sure why not ?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his telstra mobile phone. He surfs to a NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany. Within seconds he receives an email on his palm pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MSSQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes receives a response. Finally he prints out a full colour 150 page report on his high-tech miniaturized HP Laserjet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says. "You have exactly 1586 sheep".

"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my sheep" the shepherd says. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man "Hey if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep ?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay why not?"

"You're a consultant " says the shepherd .

"Wow! that's correct", says the yuppie "but how did you guess that ?"

"No guessing required." answers the shepherd "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew - to a question I never even asked and you dont know anything about my business. Now give me back my dog."

[booklady]

Good joke, but you misspelled "color."

[Brit]

A couple of weeks ago, gailkate sought some Irish jokes. Here's one:

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the Pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." Says Mick.

[Brit]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming third test of the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.

"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.

Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey"

"What's the cure then doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[gailkate]

Loved the Irish joke, Brit, but I don't think the other translates well. I guess "test tickets" has something to do with rugby?

Ok, now for the offensiveness rating. How do people feel about aussie and NZ jokes? Is Kiwi used derisively? Could you tell these jokes in a bar in Tauranga?

[Brit]

Tickets for the Test Match. Test matches are what the big international games are called in the Commonwealth. He had mistaken the Australian accent for "testicles" as his treasured "test tickets"

Mmm, maybe that joke didn't travel too well.

Kiwi is not a derogatory terms - all my friends from NZ refer to themselves as Kiwi's - it is so much easier than "New Zealander"- and I have about 25 or so contacts in NZ and about 50-60 in Australia.

Many of these jokes comes from two of them.

There is a friendly rivalry between NZ and Oz - just as there is between Scots, Irish, Welsh and Cornish people. Each group makes jokes about each other.

[Trusty]

itma said:

There is a friendly rivalry between NZ and Oz - just as there is between Scots, Irish, Welsh and Cornish people. Each group makes jokes about each other.

Are they small - like the hens?

---

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[gailkate]

Aw geez, the bimbo pun is definitely not going to go down well.

Here's a an absolutely blameless and brainless joke suitable for 12-yr-olds:

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?










Brace yourself.....



















"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"



Maybe she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[slb2]

I laughed, gk. merci, mon amie.

[Brit]

In Jerusalem, a Reuters journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from Reuters. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a brick wall!" he said.

[Brit]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not. Its three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[Brit]

An elderly Italian went to the village church to make confession for the first time in many decades.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! You have no need to confess it."

"Ah! But it's worse than that, Father," he continued. "She quickly started to repay me with sexual favours."

"People in wartime sometimes act in ways they wouldn't under normal conditions. If you are truly sorry for your actions, you are forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. May I ask a question?"

"What, my son?"

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Trusty]

This out of state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm in Southern Louisiana. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain. Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running.

The guy saw that the car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown! But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth (and not just some drunk making this up).

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Looky der Boudreaux, ders dat idiot dat rode in our car when we wuz pushin it in de rain!"

[Trusty]

As little Johnny entered the barbershop, the barber whispered to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber put a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then called Johnny over and asked, "Which do you want, son?" Little Johnny took the quarters and left.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, the customer saw little Johnny coming out of the drug store with an ice cream cone and asked. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

Little Johnny licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[Trusty]

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath was a sin because he was not sure if sex was work or play. So he went to a Priest and asked for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the Priest said, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thought: "What does a Priest know about sex?" So he went to a Minister, who, after all, was a married man and experienced in this matter. He queried the Minister and received the same reply: Sex is work, for the production of children, and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he sought out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he went to a Rabbi. The Rabbi pondered the question, then stated, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replied, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly spoke, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

[Brit]

An elderly couple were attending church.

About halfway through she leant over and said to her husband, “I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?”

He replied “Put a new battery in your hearing aid.”

[Brit]

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[Brit]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me”.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry",
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.