Jokes

[Brit]

A woman wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from high above, a voice boomed, 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

Startled, the woman moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

The woman, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut a hole.

The voice came once more,
'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'

She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
'IS THAT YOU LORD? '

The voice replied,
'NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.'

[Brit]

THE WORLD'S TEN WORST (BEST?) PUNS



GROAN

(1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, and we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

(2) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted
to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were
so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than
California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

(10) A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

[Brit]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living-room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug".

She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

[Brit]

A New Zealand man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an Aussie tourist, chewing gum, sat next to him. The New Zealander politely ignored the Australian, who, never-the-less started up a conversation.

The Australian snapped his gum and said, "You Kiwi folk eat the whole bread?" The Kiwi frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Australian blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Australia, we only eat what's inside. Then we collect the crusts, recycle them, and transform them into croissants and sell them to New Zealand."

The Aussie had a smirk on his face. The Kiwi listened in silence.

The Aussie persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Kiwi replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Aussie said, "We don't. In Aussie, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell them to New Zealand."

The Kiwi then asked, "Do you have sex in Australia?"

The Australian smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The New Zealander leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course." says the Aussie.

"We don't," says the Kiwi. "In New Zealand, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Australia. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's"?

[Brit]

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...


Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table. It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE FRIGGING PORRIDGE YET!!!'

[Brit]

These are true double-entendres from the BBC and other UK channels. I heard two of them myself, so conclude the others are equally true.

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator:
"And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator:
"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh, Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
"So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard.

8. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
"There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

9. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

10. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

[Trusty]

You have the BBC; we have Fox News.


Now, to something that is not "Adults Only":

How to Call the Police When You're Old and Don't Move Fast Anymore

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed. He opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in his shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”

He said “No.” Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

[brutus]

Why doesn't North Dakota have a professional baseball team??

Because then Minnesota would want one too!!!

~B~

[Trusty]

WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband's note on the refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Gyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
When did you start drinking beer?"

[Brit]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1920's, 30's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a Ute on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take-away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Red Rooster.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy fruit tingles and some crackers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!! We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot about brakes and got splinters in our bums. Well, no-one ever died of that!

We built tree-houses and cubby houses and played in creek beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no videogames at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround-sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross buns at Easter time...no really!

We were given BB guns and sling shots for our 10th birthdays.

We drank milk laced with Strontium 90 from cows that had eaten grass covered in nuclear fallout from the atomic testing at Maralinga in 1956.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't, had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

Our teachers used to belt us with big sticks and leather straps and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Our parents got married before they had children and didn't invent stupid names for their kids like "Kiora" and "Blade".

That generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem-solvers and inventors ever!

The past 70 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

[joew]

How true that is.

[Brit]

In the 1930s, Percy Shaw of Halifax, Yorkshire was driving along a dark road at night, and his car's headlights reflected from the eyes of a cat coming towards him. As a result, he invented the reflecting glass studs known as "cat's eyes" (or "Bott's dots" in some parts of the world)

If the cat had been going the other way, Shaw might have invented the pencil sharpener.

[joew]

Yes. Well…

[Trusty]

Navy Protocol

The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The Master Chief scowled, “Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in Boot Camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Master Chief!”

“Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling, Master Chief!”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

[Trusty]

What does a redneck say right before his death?

"Hey, watch this!"

[Brit]

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes he turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest took the opportunity to teach this man a little lesson, "My Son, it's caused by loose living. Being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes & lack of a bath."

The drunk nodded slowly: "Well, I'll be damned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Brit]

A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replied, "I beg your pardon, sir? I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." The secretary left her desk and went into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation.

The pastor agreed that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asked the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man said. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this damned bitch giving you a hard time?"

[Brit]

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her.

On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes... I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was thoughtful for a moment. "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[Brit]

After a long night of making love, the fella noticed a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed.

He began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asked

"No, silly," snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continued.

"No, not at all," she murmured, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquired, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" she replied.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demanded to know.

"That's me before the surgery."

[Brit]

Not a joke per se, but actual quotes heard on TV or radio. Thay can all be verified:

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Shane Wakelin).

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
(Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training).

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt:
"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
(Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games:
"It's basically the same, just darker."

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'"
He said, "Barassi, I don't know and I don't care."

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"
(Dermott Brereton).

"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(Mark Williams).

"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored."
(Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Luke Darcy).

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."
(Dermott Brereton).

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious."
(Adrian Anderson).

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Andrew Demetriou).

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better."
(Dermott Brereton).

"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Terry Wallace).

Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
David Swartz: "On what?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(Dermott Brereton).

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(Dermott Brereton).

[Brit]

Sunday is a day of plenty so here's another one.

This was originally shown on BBC TV, back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though goodness knows how many takes).

The irony is that the BBC received not a single complaint. It must have been the speed of delivery was too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms as you read.

I remember seeing it live. As it has been broadcast on more than one occasion, I am happy to post it here, but some readers might find it offensive. If you are such a one, please click on another thread.

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks;
they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go. Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.

She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.

The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve.

"Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.

Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.

"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.

"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers.

This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[Brit]

THIS IS NOT A JOKE, BUT I WANTED TO SHARE THIS WITH YOU:

A friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some lives. Seriously. Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:

During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes.

They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the afternoon.

Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm, Ingrid had died.)

She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to identify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be alive today.

Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead.

It only takes a minute to read this...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank goodness for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR .

Read and Learn!

Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.

Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.

Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S* Ask the individual to SMILE.
T* Ask the person to TALK to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE
(Coherently) (i.e. . It is sunny out today)
R* Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people - you can bet that at least one life will be saved.


Now, perhaps this is another urban myth, so I am relying on our resident Doctor to advise if this is true or false.

[joew]

I'm not entirely sure why this needs to be a Scottish joke (apart from the fact that it would be incongruous for Americans or Englishmen to be speaking with a Scottish accent).

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"


(Modified to correct typo)

[Brit]

I have heard that joke too and similarly wondered why it had to be set in Scotland.

But I conclude that it was meant to portray the perceived Scottish thrift and scrimping. She wasn't going to lend him the book if he went through with the suicide. Librarians tend to get extremely possessive about the books under their control.

Another joke attributed to Scotland - and I don't know why - is this one:

A large American returned to the home of his ancestors. He met up with a cousin who had inherited the house and asked him "Say Buddy, how big is your holding?" The Scot replied "Dae ye see yon hill ower there? Well, that is the extent of my land".

The American nodded: "Gee, my holding is so big, I git in my automobile and drive all day before I git to my boundary."

The Scot looked at him and said "Aye, I used tae huv a caur like that too."

[doctork]

Stroke Identification - it's not a joke.

//Now, perhaps this is another urban myth, so I am relying on our resident Doctor to advise if this is true or false.//

Those are indeed three simple tests to quickly tell if someone is having a stroke. Since stroke is one of the top three killers in the US (and most other industrialized nations), sending a copy of this to everyone you know would probably prevent strokes. Stroke victims who are seen promptly in the Emergency Department can often be given medication that prevents permanent damage.

NB - this resident doctor has been working a little too hard lately, so I'm only just now reading the jokes. Lots of good ones here!

[Brit]

Approval from the good doctor that my previous advice on health was correct has encouraged me to post this.

I just came across this exercise suggested for older adults, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

[joew]

Great one, Brit. I've sent it on to a couple of friends.

[Brit]

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss." The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch .

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee bit cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a wee while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma haun on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Angus said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

[Brit]

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the German says unbelievingly. "Look at ze handbook: zis car is designed to kerry 5 persons."

"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian.

"Quattro meansa four. You hava 5 people ina your car and you are thereforea breakinga tha law!."

The German driver is angry, - "You idiot! Call ze supervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!."

"Sorry", says the Italian, "he can'ta come. He's a busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno...."

[Brit]

Did you know:

It was necessary to keep a good supply of canon balls near the cannon on war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate was made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the monkeys in brass.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least ten unsuspecting friends.