Jokes

[joew]

Brit, your suggestion about sending the monkey info to friends reminded me to copy the one about Angus and forward it.

[Brit]

Feel free to pass them on - I suspect everybody does!

I get dozens from my Australian correspondent and normally delete more than half of them.

I dislike crude jokes but he occasionally sends gems of wit and the unexpected punch-lines are what I find amusing.

[Brit]

The Pastor's Ass

A priest in a small parish in Italy entered his donkey in a local race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race and it won again.

The headline in the local paper read: "PASTOR'S ASS OUT IN FRONT". The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS'. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey. He decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN". The Bishop fainted. When he revived, he informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey. She sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day, the paper read: "NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10". This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy the donkey back and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day, the headlines read: "NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE". The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery... and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Trusty]

(I received this as an email - from a gurl - so don't blame me.)

THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

5. To Hell with it

[Brit]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

“Breast fed,” the woman replied.

“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”

“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m pleased to be here.”

[joew]

This just in:

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation... no one wanted him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher stays, .... I will give him sex!" There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Sadie's 90-year-old husband, Jake, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said ......"Screw the Preacher!"

[Brit]

An old one, but I've recently been reminded of it:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and she turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again he man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir, but how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's for a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The curious waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[michael]

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!!!!!

[Trusty]

[Brit]

In order not to offend any of our fair-haired friends here, I have edited this to be non-partial about flaxen hair.

A lawyer and a woman were sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asked her if she would like to play a fun game.

The woman was tired and just wanted to take a nap, so she politely declined and tried to catch forty winks. The lawyer persisted that the game was a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This caught the woman's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agreed to play the game.

The lawyer asked the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The woman didn't say a word, reached in to her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill, and handed it to the lawyer.

Then, it was her turn. She asked the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer used his laptop, searched all references. He used the Airphone; he searched the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sent e-mails to all the smart friends he knew, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gave up. He woke the woman and handed her $500. She took the $500 and went back to sleep.

The lawyer was going nuts not knowing the answer, so he woke her and asked, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The woman reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5 and went back to sleep.

[Brit]

From today's Glagow Herald:

A READER who has returned from a trip to Rome heard two Italians chatting up a couple of young women whom he could tell were from Glasgow by their accents.

One of the Italians was perhaps going overboard in telling one of the girls how beautiful she was. "In my country, you would be a princess," he was telling her.

Not overly impressed, she replied: "And in my country you'd be selling ice-cream. Now beat it."

[Brit]

And another one:

Long-time collaborators Phil Cunningham and Aly Bain were performing at Glasgow's City Halls when Phil, chatting to the audience, told them of a Shetland accordion player who appeared on stage in his kilt.

As he sat down, he wrapped the straps around his shoulders and hefted his accordion up into the playing position, not realising his kilt was lifted with it.

An elderly lady in the front row summoned up the courage to ask: "Mr McDonald, do you know your willie is hanging out of your kilt?"

He lent forward and said kindly: "No, I don't. Is that a Phil Cunningham tune?"

[Brit]

A little old lady leant over the fence when she heard the little girl sobbing.

"What you doing Becky?"

Becky paused on her spade and replied "My pet goldfish died this morning and I'm going to bury it." Sniffle sniffle.

"Oh, but you needn't dig such a big hole for your goldfish."

"I do. It's inside your ****ing cat."

[Brit]

A Scotsman was walking through a field, and saw a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman shouted: " Awa ye feel hoor that's full o' coos Sharn" (You fool, don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouted back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".

The Scotsman shouted back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."

[Brit]

A Ukrainian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking?

Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

Now, get back to something impotrant.

[Brit]

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

"First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

"Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

"Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[Seattle Taz]

From south of the border:

Dos locos en una casa, uno de ellos con el computador con correo electrónico escribiendo mensajes, y va el otro y le dice:

-Oye, ¿a quién le escribes?
-Pues como no conozco aun a nadie, a mí mismo.
-AAAh, oye, ¿y qué te cuentas?
-No lo sé, como aún no lo he recibido...

Two crazy guys live together. One's at the computer, doing email, and the other guy comes up to him and says,
"Say, who are you writing to?"
"Well, since I don't know anyone, I write to myself."
"Oh. Well, then, what do you write to yourself?"
"I don't know, I haven't received anything yet."

[Seattle Taz]

Again, from south of the border...

Paciente: Doctor, en cuanto me duermo, empiezo a roncar.
Médico: ¿Son fuertes sus ronquidos?
Paciente: ¡Sí!, Mucho.
Médico: ¿Y le molestan a su esposa?
Paciente: No estoy casado.
Médico: ¿Así que duerme sólo? Entonces no creo que eso sea un problema.
Paciente: ¿Qué no es un problema? ¡Me han despedido de cinco empleos a causa de ello!

Patient: Doctor, when I sleep I snore.
Doctor: Is the snoring loud?
Patient: Yes, very!
Doctor: And it bothers your wife?
Patient: I’m not married
Doctor: So, you just sleep? Then I don’t see the problem.
Patient: What’s not a problem? I’ve been fired five times because of it!

[Brit]

A woman went to her doctor.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the Waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a bourbon & coke."

After 3 or 4 bourbons the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more bourbons.

Eventually they were approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, but you told your friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I know, but I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

[Brit]

Why Men Are Not Allowed to Write Advice Columns

Walter's Problem Page

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes.
He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless.

I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sheila Usk



Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[joew]

Brit, I e-mailed Walter's Advice Page to several friends.

[Thomas Scheuzger]

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was REALLY angry.
She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[Brit]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, and what is one seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "One shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass one."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with one's ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear?"

"One can't piss out of it," he replied.

[Brit]

A bloke had been in the pub all day and was in no shape to drive, so he left his car parked and walked home.

As he stumbled along he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2am?" asked the cop.

"Going to a lecture" the man said.

"And who's going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asks.

The bloke shrugged: "My wife"

[Brit]

A couple lived with their son in a very small flat. One afternoon they felt like going to bed together, but it was a problem as the boy was there. So his father said "We feel a bit tired and want to lie down for a rest. Why don't you go out on the balcony and tell us what's going on?"

The boy went onto the balcony, and after a while he called out "An ambulance has just gone past". A few minutes later he said "There goes a man with three dogs". And then he called out "Mr. and Mrs. Smith are going to make love"

"What?" exclaimed his mother. "How do you know?" and the boy replied

"Their son has just come out on the balcony!"

[Brit]

This is reputed to have been an actual posting, but I doubt it.

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York.

I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to Central Park West.

I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics - bars, restaurants, gyms

- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village.

What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 432279810


THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest.

By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out.

It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets.

So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

[Brit]

SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on a bargain commercial airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in first class.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
"No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[joew]

Actually, I thought #4 was the best.

[Brit]

I like the total dryness of the truck driver delivering the bridge but the unsaid gag in the teacher one is that the whole class must have have just loved the riposte.

If indeed they are really true, but what the heck?

Each are worth a chuckle, if not a belly laugh.

[Brit]

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humour impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my Weenie to my testicles."

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

"Good Heavens!" he suddenly exclaimed "Where are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied,

Vietnam...