Jokes

[Brit]

Weybridge UK



and the extension to the side indicates:


I took these pictures today

[Trusty]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

[Brit]

If you believe this...

LIFE IN THE 1500'S ***

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, don't throw the baby out with the bath water...

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house... This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat...

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ...dead ringer.

And that's the truth. Now, whoever said History was boring!! !

Educate someone. Share these facts with a friend.

[Brit]

From the Manitoba Herald, Canada (a very underground paper):

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken."

When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.

"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?

[ozski]

[glow=red,2,300]Absolutely hilarious, Brit!!![/glow]

[Brit]

Glad you liked it.

I got it from "younome".

Remember her?

[Brit]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

"Just think," he said, "when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn't do something that self indulgent!"

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."

[Brit]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are excited about their decision to get married...

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a Pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob:"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety.....the works!"

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's Disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can help you with?"

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We'd like to nominate your store as our Bridal Gift Shop."

[Brit]

Girls Night Out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very, very faithful and loving wives However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk, and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with, so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties, and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

A fter the girls had their tinkle, they eventually got home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife, was still in bed.....hung over.

So he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst; my wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her backside that said:

"From all of us at the Fire Station. You shall never be forgotten."

[Trusty]

A woman went into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn’t know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went over to the counter where an associate was standing wearing dark shades. She said, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.

She didn't believe him but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.

She bent down to pick it up and accidentally broke wind. At first she was really embarrassed, but then realized there was no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the catfish bait is $3.50."

[Brit]

A man boarded a plane at Sydney Airport...

As he was taking his seat and settling in, he noticed a most beautiful woman boarding the aircraft. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat, and bingo!!! - she took the seat right beside him.

Eager to strike up conversation, he blurted out: "Business trip or holiday?" She turned, smiled and said: "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomanic Convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked: "What, erm, what's you business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer." she replied. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Mmm," he smiled "And what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly she became uncomfortable and blushed: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name."

"Tonto" he replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but all my friends call me Paddy."

[Brit]

Bob is nearly 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife Anne. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

Anne sympathises, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".

"That's no good" sighs Bob. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, " but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Bob heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Yes!"

"Where did it go then?" says Bob.

"I can't remember".

[Trusty]

This VIDEO had me rolling.

[Brit]

Somewhere around here, there is a Ray Stevens fan.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfNpk2Bt0OM

[brutus]

You're right, there is! ;D

~B~

[Brit]

The maid wanted a pay increase.


The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (really furious now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."



SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[Brit]

A couple of snippets from Today's Glasgow Herald.

THE Greenock Telegraph carried an advertisement for a local stonemason with the information: "Last few days! Top-quality headstone from £581. Order before the 22nd for guaranteed Christmas delivery."

"A Christmas present to die for," remarks a Diary reader.



A Glasgow ned was claiming that he drank brake fluid, but argued he was not addicted to it.

"I can stop anytime," he declared.

[Brit]

In 1559, the good folks of Croydon, a town south of London, were visited by a philanthropist, who, upon seeing the deprivation of many of the townsfolk, built some almshouses.

He invited the poor, needy and impotent to benefit from his benificence.

The poor and needy turned up in their droves, but the others couldn't come.

[Brit]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time"

The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talking abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

£50.00 says you're gonna read this again!

[joew]

Good thing I didn't see the wager before I read it again, and so had not agreed to it.

[Trusty]

joew said:

Good thing I didn't see the wager before I read it again, and so had not agreed to it.

Ditto.

[Brit]

Maurice and his wife, Esther, went to the State Fair every year.

Every year, Maurice would say: "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Esther always replied: "I know Maurice, but that helicopter ride costs 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

Many years of this ritual passed when Maurice said: "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied: "Maurice, that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

The pilot overheard this exchange. He said "Hey, you good folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet and not utter a single word, I won't charge you. But, if either of you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Maurice and Esther agreed, and up they went. The pilot did all sorts of fancy maneuvers, but not a single word was uttered.

He did his tricks all over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Maurice and said: "I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed."

Maurice replied: "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

[Brit]

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he spent the weekend (and his money) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of shouting and swearing, she pointed at him and said "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?"

Her husband couldn't believe his luck, so he smiled and said "That would suit me just fine!"

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[Brit]

I'm entering this url because what this is about is just idle fun.

www.sloganizer.net/en/

Just key in your own name or someone elses - real name or nickname - and you get an instant slogan.

[Brit]

www.icq.com/greetings/cards/66/

Just click on these insane reindeers. The permutations are almost endless.

[joew]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants. She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her fr ee hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

[joew]

I've been thinking recently that the upscale and trendy might want to have a selection of fine hand-made local and international artisanal cheeses for dessert at wedding receptions. It would be so much fun at dessert time if the band struck up the tune and everybody joined in singing "The bride cuts the cheese, the bride cuts the cheese …"

[gailkate]

This is for Brit and Joe and all Catholics, lapsed or otherwise. I'm WAAAAY behind on the jokes thread, so I hope you haven't already seen this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgmQM9cDPHk

[joew]

Hadn't seen that. Very clever and funny.

[Brit]

Yes, very good!

This is for Brit and Joe and all Catholics

I liked the punch-line, but you should know I am not Catholic.