Jokes

[Brit]

Don't you think these elves are kinda cute?

www.elfyourself.com/?id=1233921343

I'm the one on the right.

[joew]

I never realised you had such talent.

That's a lot of fun!

[joew]

A priest and a minister are standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign reads:

"The End is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now Before It's Too Late!"

A car speeds past them, the driver yelling, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

There is the sound of screeching tires followed by a big splash.

The priest turns to the minister and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'"?

[Brit]

Whilst I was travelling yesterday in the London Underground, I couldn't resist capturing this notice on the up-escalator at Piccadilly Circus.



I stood there for an hour searching for a dog. I couldn't find one anywhere so I walked up the adjacent 300 steps instead.

[joew]

Apparently the dogs must be carried in one arm, since one must also hold the handrail.

[Thomas Scheuzger]

I had a similar experience in Switzerland this summer. I saw this sign along the Rhine river in Basel. I especially liked the one fourth from the top, but couldn't figure out the meaning of number six...

[joew]

Fascinating. It appears from the last one that one must not try to avoid listening to loud music from others (don't try to block out the music) between noon and 1:00 p.m., or between 10:00 p.m. and 7:00 a.m.

Could the sixth one mean "Don't pound on the table if service is slow" or maybe "Don't salute when you're sitting down"?

[Brit]

Thomas!

Like you, I'm puzzled about #6.

I have a friend - no, REALLY I DO have a friend - who has a lodge in Switzerland.

If you can send me the pic please, I will forward it to her and ask her for an explanation.

[Thomas Scheuzger]

itma said:

Thomas!

Like you, I'm puzzled about #6.

I have a friend - no, REALLY I DO have a friend - who has a lodge in Switzerland.

If you can send me the pic please, I will forward it to her and ask her for an explanation.

Right click on the photo to save it to your desktop. Then you can attach it to an email, or just cut/paste this link:

homepage.mac.com/tscheuzger/.Pictures/_MG_4631.jpg

[gailkate]

Aren't there 7? And aren't you being asked to avoid being a jerk, dump your trash and be a friendly fellow visitor?

The "no-peeing" graphic is hilarious.

[Trusty]

I thought everybody knew it is the universal symbol for no bongo playing.







Well? It's either that or "no drowning yourself in the toilet", depending on the shape of toilets in Switzerland.

[joew]

Subject: DoD's Twelve Days of Christmas


The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas.

Status of acquisitions follows:


Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: The Army and Air Force are in the process of deciding whose area of responsibility Day 1 falls under. Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After three months of discussion and repeated OpsDepsTank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

Day 2 - Two turtle doves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead. Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

Day 3 - Three French Hens: At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked offshore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else. A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

Day 4 - Four Calling Birds: Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T. However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However, the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build the production facility on a nuclear waste dump at former Air Force base that was closed under BRAC.

Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program. The program has been put on hold while the training procedures are reviewed to determine why the washout rate is so high.


Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids a milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.

Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping: The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation. Army Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition for the right to rescue.

Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time. However, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes. DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications. A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 09.


As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

[Brit]

A man walked into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He was shown several possibilities that ranged from $200 to $400 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opted for the most sheer item, paid the $400, and took it home.

He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, his wife thought, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $400 refund for myself."

She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, "Good Grief! You'd think for $400, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

[rogesgallery]

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT


THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE


GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).


DON'T FORGE T TO SHARE THIS

[Brit]

Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married - for the fourth time.


The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

[Brit]

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the pastor knocked several times.

Finally, the pastor took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. ("Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me." )

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the pastor's message was the notation "Genesis 3:10." ("I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.")

[gailkate]

Subject: NEW RULES IN HEAVEN........A short story......


It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died."

"No problem," the man said. I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK sir.!Welcome! to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Donald Trump. "Mr. .. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well." The Angel announces. "!Welcome!to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside a refrigerator.....

[Brit]

The Detroit Red Wings foreign scout flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play ice hockey in the new American sponsored league and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the US.

Red Wings manager, Ken Holland, signs him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.

Two weeks later the Wings are down 4-0 to the Blackhawks with only 10 minutes left. Mike Babcock gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for Wings! The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey.

"Hello mom, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "We were 4-0 down, I played for 10 minutes today, and I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all the while you were having such great time."

The young Iraqi is very upset. "What can I say mom, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry?" says his mom, "it's your fault we moved to Detroit in the first place!"

[Brit]

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"

Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."

The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain.

The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

The police went to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spat on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire!!!"

[joew]

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"


To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[Brit]

marriageresourcecenter.org/videogallery/4/med/VideoWidget8.htm

[Brit]

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services. Some have made it on to car bumper stickers.


The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus'.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not come this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to many in the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be try outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Pastor Updyke unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday with the slogan: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'.

[Trusty]

Those are great. Let us add to the list:

A study is underway by the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC) to determine if the clergy do more than lay people.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy”.


My favorite, however, is still:
"All expectant mothers, or those desiring to be, please meet with the Pastor in his Study after the service for a special blessing..."

[Trusty]

I just can't pass this up...
There is a paragraph in THIS ARTICLE which reads:

"The Promise Program is designed to help women earn baby items and supplies. They earn coupons by a point system, by attending support groups and parenting classes, Bible studies and watching videos on a variety of subjects from parenting to Christian values. There is a little shop in the back room where the clients use their coupons to buy diapers, wipes, pacifiers, baby clothes, and some baby furniture. By attending a 1 1/2-hour class on car seat safety, they can earn a free, new car seat. Some of the volunteers knit booties and blankets. They give the expectant mothers the hand-made booties when their pregnancy test returns positive."

I can't help but think the article is talking about a contest or marathon of some sort. ...with the prize being ..... booties?


So, next the hospital will be offering coupons?

I'll stop, now.

[Brit]

A young woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young woman declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The girl headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the girl takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The lass struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

[Trusty]

A man was teaching his wife to set up her new computer which, at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter the password that she would use to log on.

Being in a rather amorous mood that day, he figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to her that he was keying in: "P E N I S".



His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
"PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH."

[Brit]

microsoft?

[Brit]

An old farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. 'Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the......'

'I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted.

'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road....'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.'

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, 'Well...as I was sayin', I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was drivin' her down the highway when this huge semi ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurtin' real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Real soon a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin', too. So, he went over to her.

After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are YOU feeling?'

'Now, what the heck would YOU say?'

[Brit]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Go home Granpaw. You're drunk."

[Brit]

An Old Italian man lived alone in the country, he wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies. Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie