Jokes

[joew]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Her husband said, "Omigod! That's great! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," said his wife. "Just get out."

[Brit]

A bumper batch for the weekend.

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How did you know it was dead?" she asked him.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move." answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?"

"You know," said the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move."
_______________________________________________

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear, I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy".
___________________________________________________

When I was 6 months pregnant with my third child, my 3 year old came into the room as I was preparing to get in the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat."

I replied: "Yes honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know that, but what's growing in your butt?"
_________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said: "That's a pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone: "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
_______________________________________________

One day, the first-grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the bit where Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said: "The sky is falling!"

The teacher then asked the class "And what do you think the farmer said?"

After a while, one little girl raised her hand and said: "I think he said 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'

The teacher was unable to teach for next 10 minutes.

[Trusty]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."





(I really am ashamed, now - as I should be.)

[Trusty]

(OK. This one will redeem me:)


We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


(Yeah, that did it.)

[Brit]

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Dear Trusty,

Isn't it time you sewed up that slit in your jeans?

[Trusty]

itma said:

We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

Dear Trusty,

Isn't it time you sewed up that slit in your jeans?

I've tried, but I keep sticking myself with the needle.



Hey, that's NOT funny!

[Brit]

I often prick myself with a needle too.

[Brit]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop demanded, 'Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer asked, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop: 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer: 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop: 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer: 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop: 'The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer: 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop: 'Aye, sounds fair enough. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer got out of his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

[joew]

LOL

[Trusty]

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."

"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"

"Is that so! And how did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"

[Brit]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$1000 per call'. The Yank being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $1000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $1000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the aspiring author.

He ended up traveling all over the States and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$1000 per call' sign under it.

He then decided to travel to Australia to see if the Aussies had the same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.' The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

'Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $1000 per call. Why is it so cheap here ?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Australia now mate - it's a local call'.

[Brit]

This was in The Herald - a newspaper based in Glasgow - so it must be true:

A Scot flying on a Northwest Airlines flight in Arizona passed over the 1200-metre-diameter, 170-metre-deep meteor crater, which is now a major tourist attraction.

The chap behind him was explaining to his companion how it was made by a giant meteor colliding with the Earth.

"What's that little building there, right on the edge of the crater?" she asked.

"That's the visitor centre," he replied.

"Man! How lucky were they?" she said in amazement.

[Trusty]

I remember her. She was the same one that pushed her BMW into the service station because it had died. The mechanic quickly fixed it.

She asked him, "What's the story?"
He said, "Just crap in the carburetor."


"Uhhhh. Like, how often do I have to do that?"

;D ;D

[Brit]

Another from The Herald Glasgow.

Other news from America, where in a small midwestern town an entrepreneur had begun building a bar next door to a church, which enraged the congregation so much that they prayed it would never open.

The night before the grand opening it was struck by lightning and burned to the ground, so the bar owner sued the church - which denied all responsibility.

In court, the judge commented: "So we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't."


I saw that in The Herald. I've got to believe it's true.

[Brit]

Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?

[joew]

itma said:

Did you know that the word 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?

It's in mine.

[Brit]

I really can't believe you fell for it Joe!

[joew]

LOL!

[gailkate]

This came today just as Jerry was ready to trade me in.


God's Problem Now

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in
the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."

[Brit]

From The Herald of today's date:

A MOTHER, remonstrating with her stroppy toddler in a Glasgow supermarket told her: "Look, just because I can't read your mind, doesn't mean I don't love you."

"Wish you would tell that to my wife," murmured a chap heading for the three-for-two lager offer.

[Brit]

A YOUNG call-centre worker in Glasgow tells us he had to phone potential customers and ask them a few short questions. If they didn't want to, he would ask if perhaps their partner had time to answer the questions.

One woman he spoke to told him: "Ahm sorry, son, I cannae help you, ahm in the middle o' the ironing."

"Perhaps your husband could help instead then?" suggested the call centre chap.

"Naw, son," she replied. "There's no way he'd even touch the ironing. He disnae know how to."

[Brit]

This is a hoot!

www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/204756/

A guy, on the Utrecht station forecourt, hacks into the station announcement screen from his cell-phone with amusing results! Just over a minute long.

[joew]

Interesting that they are so vulnerable to hacking.

[Trusty]

Joe! Are those PINK polka dots on your underwear?

[joew]

¿Que? No comprendo!

[Trusty]

joew said:

... so vulnerable to hacking.

Me hacko yo screeno & see polko dottos.

[Brit]

I'm putting this in the joke thread for obvious reasons.

One of my friends from Brisbane has a daughter (who I have met) living in London studying and she got this crazy idea when travelling on the London Underground (known as "The Tube" in London) and a friend of hers took this video in two parts.

It seemed so much fun the first time, that Sharna (that's the girl's name) decided to have a second go. What you see here is two different days just winding up the staid passengers on the London Tube!

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=lmWgyEs20Hs


I have some fun acquaintances.

[Brit]

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the Priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.

The priest again blessed a horse. Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the long shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

"Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants! You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."

[Brit]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

This short story had to contain the following three things:
1. Religion
2. Sexuality
3. Mystery

Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class:

'Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it?'

[Brit]

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the attorney answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."