Jokes

[Brit]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school Playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


Mommy fainted!!!



Moral of Little Johnny's story:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!!!

[gailkate]

OK, if you're going to be offended by a dumb blonde joke, read no further. Recall that some of the brainiest women in history have been blonde and some of the wackiest have been red- brown- and black-haired. This is a joke.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and
help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets
him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighs........




"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

[Brit]

I wonder how long it will be before we hear Garrison Keillor use this skit?

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

"If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air, da 'no-frills' airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.

Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two thousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it! Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our Sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us," which ain't right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I'll say Grace: "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close."

Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline."

[gailkate]

Where on earth did you find this? Not typical BBC fare.

But it's spot on for the accent and details - including the grace (well, not the 2nd half).

[Thomas Scheuzger]

Ok, folks, here's your chance. Saturday, March 8 is our annual joke show. Submit your jokes to [e-mail] and see if they make it on the air. There are prizes for submissions read on the air, too. See www.prairiehome.org

Brit, I'd send in the Viking Air one...

T.

[Brit]

Are the prizes worth having?

A pair of free tickets to see the PHC live might be attractive to some, but for me it'd be a long way to come for 120 seconds of broadcast!

[Thomas Scheuzger]

Brit, check the web site in my previous post for an explanation/rules. If yours is used on the air (and, in the case of duplicate submissions, is the first received), you will receive a copy of the 2 CD set "English Majors."

Is that enough of a prize? I don't know. Seems nice enough to me, considering the effort...

;-)

P.S. I think all of your submissions here are pretty good. Why not send them all? While we can't air the really bawdy ones, there are certainly plenty of others.

[Brit]

Thanks for the kind words Thomas! I'm not bothered about winning a double CD on English Majors - but I confess I am a little curious. What on earth could be said about English Majors?

Modified to explain I googled "English Majors CD) and learn that it is a double CD collection of GK's stuff.

It'd be easier if GK and/or his scriptwriter joined this board and checked them out for themselves!

[slb2]

Do we really want GK here? I mean, do we?

[Brit]

Well, I thought only the Members Only thread was where non-members cannot see.

So what's wrong with GK having a look without joining?

[Brit]

As a truck driver stops for a red light, a blonde catches up to him, she jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window, and she says ...

"Hi, my name is Candy and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the blonde girl again catches up to him. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the window and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

And as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,

"Hi, my name is Candy, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.

Again she says.."Hi, my name is Candy, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New Jersey and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[gailkate]

I just sent this in, as this year's politically incorrect entry:

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London . After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."




(I changed "whores" to "loose women.")

[Trusty]

Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[Brit]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[gailkate]

Cat lovers go here:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHXBL6bzAR4&eurl=http://www.komando.com/videos/4-16.asp

[ozski]

Thanks for the link gail.....it brightened my day!

[gailkate]

Great, I'll keep posting them. What a wonder youtube is.

Did I post this about the terrier and the balloons? such concentration and thoroughness, such satisfaction after a job well done.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoiFGva_JoY

There are a bunch of great videos on that page.

[Trusty]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you
all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

[Trusty]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
driving."

[Trusty]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[gailkate]

I get tons of forwarded emails. I know everyone does, but I think it gets worse when you retire or at least work part-time. Lots more traffic in dumb jokes (jokes about aging and the good old days are rampant) beautiful or astonishing pictures, trick quizzes, etc. So now that you're all nodding and remembering some of the time-wasters that come your way, read this:

Why I forward jokes & other misc. e-mails.


A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for,
guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are welcome at my water bowl anytime.

[joew]

A new addition to "Chemistry's Periodic Table" has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second... to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass!
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

[joew]

AAADD

- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ! -

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it !

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garb age first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who I've sent it to.

I also don't remember if it was already posted here.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[liriodendron]

Holy Toledo! That IS me! (And I have the kitchen cabinets to prove it.)

[joew]

This is so obvious that somebody else may well have come up with it before I did, over 30 years ago, but I don't think I've ever come across it anywhere else.



IF LONGFELLOW HAD BEEN WRITING BETWEEN 1920 AND 1960

Between the dark and the daylight,
When the night is beginning to lower,
There comes a pause in the day's occupation
That is known as the cocktail hour.

[Jane]

I did it! I finished the WHOLE article and sent it off. I also weeded (and got stung by a bee), did laundry, washed the porch floor, made some phone calls, went to a Center for Inquiry meeting, bought groceries and that's about it.

[Jane]

But that's not a joke, is it? (Esp. the bee sting.) Guess I mis-threaded....

[gailkate]

s'okay, Jane, you illustrated Joe's joke.

I'm such an isodope I can't form sentences.

[joew]

A man had bought a new car with a voice-activated radio with artificial intelligence to tune it. As he drove home from the dealership he decided to give it a try and said, "Classical," and in a few seconds he was listening to Mozart. After a few moments, he said, "Jazz," and the radio soon found a station playing a recording by Dizzy Gillespie. Just then a car swerved in front of him, cutting him off and nearly causing a collision. He exclaimed, "Idiot!" and the radio switched to Rush Limbaugh.

[Trusty]

As a young minister in Kentucky, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be buried there.

I was not familiar with the backwoods area, and I soon became lost. Being a typical man, I did not stop to ask for directions. I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the open grave, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The digging crew was eating lunch. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and I stepped to the side of the open grave. There I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, as I told them that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around the grave and stood silently, as I began to pour out my heart and soul. As I preached about "looking forward to a brighter tomorrow" and "the glory that is to come", the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord" and "Glory"! The fervor of these men truly inspired me, so I preached and I preached like I had never preached before – all the way from Genesis to Revelation.

I finally closed the lengthy service with a prayer, thanked the men, and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I heard one of the workers say to another, "I ain't NEVER seen nothin' like that before, and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for thirty years."