Jokes

[Trusty]

Don't you just love how Mr. & Mrs. Hole built a restaurant for their family?

[Trusty]

Clem, the Lucky Carpenter.

[joew]

Subject: Ice Fishing



The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.


Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.


After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .


There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.


Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.


At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.


That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating.'


The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'


Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice.'



Experience Counts

[gailkate]

When asked "Why did the chicken cross the road?" The following political and cultural leaders responded:


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue, my friends, with all the
chickens - all of them, my friends - on the other side of the road.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having way too many problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of forcing the chicken to take on more problems, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks. Guilty, guilty chicken!

PAT BUCHANAN: That alien chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. I had no insider chicken information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the very first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,
but went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of
eChicken 2008 and it will never ever ever crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

[rmn]

Note to readers: Some might find this irreverent, risqué, and/or disrespectful of Catholicism. Personally, whether factual or not, I found it very funny.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[Jane]

OK, here's another completely irreverant joke told at a lecture I went to last night.

The Catholics are so concerned about good health that they are now using a communion wafer with 30 percent less fat and 50 percent less sodium.

It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus..."

[gailkate]

Both jokes could have been told about any Christian university or denomination. Pastor Inkvist could tell these jokes at a Lutheran potluck. I like them.

[joew]

Both very funny.

[liriodendron]

Sept 11, 2008 23:06:34 GMT -5 gailkate said:

Both jokes could have been told about any Christian university or denomination. Pastor Inkvist could tell these jokes at a Lutheran potluck. I like them.

Three cheers for Pastor Inkvist!!! ;D

[rmn]

Validity questionable, but who cares? Sent to me this AM:

Wedding Ring *True Story* from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

[brutus]

Sept 13, 2008 13:22:12 GMT -5 rmn said:

Validity questionable, but who cares? Sent to me this AM:

Wedding Ring *True Story* from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo. According to the nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you are married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

4) All of the above.

~B~

[Trusty]

"hoohoo"? "hoohoo"?
hoho :Dheeheehahahahaha :Dhahohoho

Sorry; the name had me laughing way before the end of the joke.

[joew]

I guess "hoohoo" is a euphemism for "peepee."

[slb2]

I heard this one from Dirk Powell, a Cajun musician, who was playing with his band (really, it's his wife's band) Balfa Toujours.

There was a little Cajun-French girl who only spoke French. When she started school the teacher didn't quite know what to do with her. Most children knew some English.

So the teacher began, "Say the letters after me." and they went through the alphabet. The poor 'tit fille was growing weary. Then the teacher said, "Now we'll cover the numbers."

"Say one," said the teacher.
"Say one," replied Paulette.
"Say two," said the teacher.
Paulette smiled, grabbed her packed lunch and sweater and said, "C'est tout!"

Then she left.

C'est tout!

[gailkate]

Au 'voir, l'il sis.

[gailkate]

They Walk Among Us
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back.... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.


I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'has your plane arrived yet?'


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'



They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce,

and Worst of all ......


THEY MAY VOTE

[gailkate]

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada (a very underground paper):

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.

The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, speak in tongues, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.

When I said I didn't have any, he left - didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"

In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. "They did have a nice little Napa Valley Cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumours have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.

"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

[joew]

One day we are going to look back on this, laugh nervously, and then change the subject.

Apparently 1 out of 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or dad, or my older sister Rebecca, or my brother-in-law Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Rebecca.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

[rmn]

Joe, I just posted (then deleted) a joke emailed to me today from the UK. It was the ice fishing joke you posted earlier in this thread. Amazing how those things get around. I'd like to tell you it was Brit who sent it, but nothing of the sort.

Hope you're well.

R

[liriodendron]

Hey, good to see you, RMN! You should stop by more often.

[rmn]

Lirio, good to see you, too. These days are a bit depressing, given the media bias toward the Dems. I'll be back. I thought it best that my point of view go by the wayside during these past several months. After all, it has been calm in these PHC environs and that's likely best for all here.

See ya, and thanks for the note.

R

[doctork]

Hi rmn. Glad you stopped in.

[rmn]

Hi DocK. It's been a while. Hoping you are well, good lady.

[joew]

rmn —
that was a pretty good joke

do drop in more often

[Trusty]

There was a family gathering, with all the generations around the table. The family mischievous teenager put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

After a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom. When he returned his trousers were wet all over.

“What happened Grandpa?” he was asked by his concerned children.

“Well,” he answered, “I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom, so I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!”

[Trusty]

The doctor instructed his patient, “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the patient returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“Why, that's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The patient nodded. “I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping.”

[Gracie]

Nov 6, 2008 18:15:24 GMT -5 Trusty said:

The doctor instructed his patient, “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the patient returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!

“Why, that's amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”

The patient nodded. “I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on that 3rd day.”

“From the hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping.”

Okay, that's it, I'm doin' it!! Where's my jump rope....

[Trusty]

:DA little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

[jspnrvr]

Visiting the psych ward, a man asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient.

"Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub."

"I get it," the visitor said. "A sane person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."

"No," the doctor said. "A sane person would pull the plug."

[Trusty]

Honest Question (that doesn't have to be answered) for Ladies:

When making Thanksgiving dinner, do your giblets end up in the gravy?


Or do you wear a bra when you cook?