Jokes

[Trusty]

Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some assholes in Washington.

[joew]

Yikes!

[jspnrvr]

Some opinions just arrived!....

The Orthopedic Surgeons wondered if the proposal was structurally sound.

The Rheumatologists consider the whole concept of bailouts inflammatory.

Still haven't heard from the Gynecologists; in general they're feeling pretty crotchety about the whole business.

[Trusty]

[Trusty]

Harry was getting along in years and found that he was unable to perform. He finally went to his doctor who tried a few things, but nothing seemed to work. So the doctor referred him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man said, "I can cure this."

That said, he threw a white powder in a flame, and there was a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he said, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123', and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asked, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replied: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234', and it will go down. But, be warned; it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushed home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, ready to surprise his wife, he showered, shaved, and put on his most exotic shaving lotion. He got into bed, and lying next to her, said, "123." He suddenly became more aroused than anytime in his life ... just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away, turned over and asked, "What did you say '123' for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should not end a sentence with a preposition.

[Trusty]

At the India/Pakistan border, a young man met the border guard on his bike. He had two large bags over his shoulders, so the guard stopped him and said, “What's in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered the man.

The officer said, “We'll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guards took the bags and ripped them apart; emptied them out and found nothing in them but sand. He detained the young man overnight and had the sand analyzed - only to discover that there was nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard released the man, put the sand into new bags, lifted them on to the man’s shoulders, and let him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happened. The guard asked, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” said the man. The guard did his thorough examination and discovered that the bags contained nothing but sand. He gave the sand back to the man and let him cross the border on his bike. This sequence of events was repeated every day for three years.

Finally, after the young man had not shown up one day, the guard saw him in a restaurant in Dehli. “Hey, Buddy,” said the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about…I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

The young man, sipped his tea and said, “Bicycles.”

[jspnrvr]

Three men, all nurses, died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of the season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas on this holy day."


The first nurse fumbles through his pockets and pulled out a penlight. He flicked it on. "It represents a holy candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second nurse reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third nurse searched desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

"What do these have to do with Christmas?" Saint Peter asked.

The nurse replied, "They're Carol's."

[BoatBabe]

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
*
*
*
*
*
*
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Ferrarri.

[rogesgallery]

A yukyukyuk,

So what is the difference between a God and a Doctor?

Hmm hmm hmhhm

Come on some one answer

Don"t be usin that finger exclusively to type my name,,,,,,,

I'm Not givin away the punchline.............

[BoatBabe]

I'm thinkin'. Can't you smell the hair burning? ;D

[BoatBabe]

Doctors used to be Gods, but they were replaced by HMOs.

Gods used to be mortals, but they were replaced by HMOs.

Wait. . . that's how they are the same.

Never mind.

[BoatBabe]

A God gets to say:

Patience is a virtue
Possess it if you can
Seldom found in woman
Never found in man

A Doctor has to say:

Patients ARE a virtue . . .

;D

[sailor]

Jan 19, 2009 14:58:18 GMT -5 rogesgallery said:

A yukyukyuk,

So what is the difference between a God and a Doctor?

Hmm hmm hmhhm

Come on some one answer

Don"t be usin that finger exclusively to type my name,,,,,,,

I'm Not givin away the punchline.............

God spelt backwards is Dog; a warm loving creature.

Doc spelled backwards is COD; Cash On Delivery.

Mike

[BoatBabe]

Are you saying that Mike had the punchline, Roges???

[rogesgallery]

Weird I thought I posted this last night, I hope your butts aren't creased from the edge of your seat

Very creative answers especially your poetic solution BB, But

What is the difference between a god and a doctor?

Gods don't think they are doctors.

[BoatBabe]

I have a creased butt[/move]

Man, I hope it isn't contagious.

[jspnrvr]

Jan 22, 2009 20:17:00 GMT -5 BoatBabe said:

I have a creased butt

[/move]

Man, I hope it isn't contagious.

[/quote]

Nice straight crease....it's better than a bunch of wrinkles!

A crease is better than pleats........just keep it straight......you don't have to worry, "Which way do I iron it? To the left, to the right?"

[sailor]

Look ma, no creases!




Mike

[rogesgallery]

Yikes, just another crack in a Renaissance painting.

[sailor]

The Da Vinchi crease

[rogesgallery]

Mary didja know?

[gailkate]

IRISH BANK JOB ....


An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.

There are a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ...."

[rogesgallery]

The Sticks... it's just down the road from me

I was talking to a friend the other day. He had taken care of a friend for a few years before that friend died. In his will the friend left him a brand new economical flex fuel pickup. I asked him about the truck in conversation and he said,

"Oh no I traded that one in on a new Ford. Rog, I paid $40,000 for this truck!" At this point he gets all excited and animated seeming to puff himself up to a size comparable to opulence of his new toy."It's got a "5., ah5.5....it's got the biggest engine Ford makes man."

I said, "Hey, you're goin green aren't ya."

He's silent for a second, pondering, "No it's Black man" he says with a smile.

"I mean Green... the technology" I say thinking maybe he misunderstood my meaning.

"No..." he looks at me with a genuine, and slightly confused frown, "I looked at a green one, but I bought the black one".

[rmn]

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused, then said, 'Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper.

[rogesgallery]

Good one Rmn. Nice to...read you.

[rmn]

Tom had been in police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

“Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at, oh, about 5:00.”

“Great,” says Tom. “After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Cliff is leaving, he stops and turns to Tom. “Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.”

“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the police business, I can drink with the best of 'em.”

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin’, too.”

“Well,” says Tom, “I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again.”

“More'n likely be some wild sex, too.”

“Now that's really not a problem,“ says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”

“Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”

[ozski]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[ozski]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're a$$-holes!!'

[BoatBabe]

Oz, too funny. [Sorry, guys]


[Not Really]



Mike, that still just cracks me up.

[BoatBabe]

This is Garrison's joke from last week, maybe week before, when we saw him in Seattle. If I scroll through all these pages, I'll bet you've already heard it. It's still good.

When God first made Eve, he gave her three breasts. Eve, who was not impressed, said that three breasts were rather cumbersome, so God removed the middle one.

Eve said, "Well, that's great, God, but what do I do with this useless boob?"

And God created Man.