Jokes

[gailkate]

Maybe these "valentines" fit the Eve joke.

ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

5. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

6. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

9. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[ozski]

Oh gail----------what a hoot!!

[sailor]

Off the top of my head and far less clever...

Loving you has made me ever so happy
'cause I'm a glutton for all things crappy

When I'm with you, you light up my life
Tis a shame you're the neighbor's wife

Do me a favor darling and turn out the light
because doing it in the dark is much less a fright

Mike

[gailkate]

Actually, not bad, Mike. I think it would be hard for anyone to match #5, which still makes me giggle, but you might find you have a new talent to explore. i wonder if there's a contest you could enter.

Now you might want to try your hand at bumper stickers. These came today in a list of bumper stickers for seniors. I don't know why they were sent to me.



I’m so old that whenever I eat out
They ask for payment up front.

I was at the beauty shop for 3 hours.
That was only for the estimate.

I’m so old…
I don’t buy green bananas.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It helps you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

FLORIDA
God’s waiting room.

[sailor]

One for the ~B~ man.

You're lovely and sweet and quite a distracter
But not nearly as nice as my John Deere tractor

Mike

[brutus]

And for Sailor:

Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
Your ditty to me;
Earned Karma for you.

~B~

[sailor]

Feb 6, 2009 6:37:58 GMT -5 brutus said:

And for Sailor:

Roses are red;
Violets are blue;
Your ditty to me;
Earned Karma for you.

~B~

Bravo!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
A Karma for me
Is a Karma for you

All the best dude!

Mike

[brutus]

Back, again, am I, with rhyme;
Returning your Karma, one more thyme.

~B~


Sheesh! That was reeeeellleeee badddd!!!!

[rmn]

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans-Canada Highway about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler on his way to Brandon to do a show at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk good ol' boy, driving through from Alberta, got out and watched the performance. He then staggered over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Mountie, having observed this man, went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, because there's no f*&%$@# way I can pass that test."

[gailkate]

Ok, this is a blatant sexist attack on women drivers.. But it made me LOL, and that's good for us, right?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wT7zM8XgXQ

[joew]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

[joew]

true friendship

when you are sad -
i will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the nasty git who made you sad

when you are blue -
i will try to dislodge whatever is choking you

when you smile -
i will know you are plotting something that i want to be involved in

when you are scared -
i will tease you about it every chance i get

when you are worried -
i will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining

when you are confused -
i will use little, tiny words

when you are sick -
keep away from me until you are well. i don't want whatever you have

when you fall -
i will probably point at you and loudly laugh my head off.

friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth.

[BoatBabe]

Joe, honey, that is just sick, and I mean it in the nicest sense of the word. ;D

I haven't heard any good ones lately or I would lay one on ya.

And I know you can't tolerate "A black bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana," again.

Gosh, you'd think I could come up with something . . .

[BoatBabe]

I was listening to the TV this morning. I heard what sounded like a river running, or maybe a lawn mower in the distance. You know, that white background noise. Then these birds are twittering back and forth. No narrator. No music. I think, "What the heck are they advertising?"

I look at the TV and there is a picture of a tree, like I was lying on the grass, looking up through the limbs towards the sky.

And the text says"Smart Cremation" with a phone number.

Now, doesn't that beg the question: Is there dumb cremation? Or maybe just ignorant cremation. What about a sandwich shy of a picnic cremation?

[jspnrvr]

Hey, babe, you want fries with that?

[joew]

Some rewordings and redefinitions I got from my source for "true friendship"

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplies a new definition. Here are the winners:

cashtration:
the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

ignoranus:
a person who is both stupid and an asshole.

intaxication:
euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it, was your money to start with.

reintarnation:
coming back to life as a hillbilly.

bozone:
the substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

giraffiti:
vandalism spray-painted very, very high

sarchasm:
the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

inoculatte:
to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

karmageddon:
it’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

decafalon:
the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

glibido:
all talk and no action.

dopeler
effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

arachnoleptic
fit: the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

beelzebug:
satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

caterpallor:
the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.


and the winning submissions to the W.P's yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words:

coffee:
the person upon whom one coughs.

flabbergasted:
appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

abdicate:
to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

esplanade:
to attempt an explanation while drunk.

negligent:
absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

lymph:
to walk with a lisp.

gargoyle:
olive-flavored mouthwash.

flatulence:
emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

balderdash:
a rapidly receding hairline.

testicle:
a humorous question on an exam.

rectitude:
the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

pokémon:
a rastafarian proctologist.

oyster:
a person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

frisbeetarianism:
the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

[gailkate]

These are brilliant, Joe - well, duh, that's why it's the Mensa Invitational.
I exalt you.

[joew]

Understanding Engineers:
Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want'."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[gailkate]

I exalt you.

[gailkate]

I just know you've heard this, but it sort of fits our Big Questions thread.
Buddy really wanted a helicopter ride.

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,
And every year Buddy would say, 'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'


Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride
is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,
'Edna, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'


To this, Edna replied,
"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'


The pilot overheard the couple and said,
'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'


Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed!'



Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,
I almost said something when Edna fell out,







But you know,
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

[doctork]

Been too long since I dropped in here. You guys are funny! G

[doctork]

This is not a joke, it is an actual news report. But it is still funny.

The Department of Homeland Security, DHS and parent of my favorite federal agency, the TSA, is relocating and consolidating its headquarters. They will now be based at DC's Saint Elizabeth's Hospital for the Criminally Insane, the historic building in which John Hinckley (attempted assassin of Ronald Reagan) was housed. That's where I always thought the TSA belongs but I am surprised that the feds now agree with me!

There are some reports that some current residents of Anacostia (the down at the heels neighborhood where the hospital is located) don't want "those kind of people" in our neighborhood.

[gailkate]

CHURCH GOSSIP

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Elmer, a new member,
of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Elmer (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know exactly what he was
doing!

Elmer, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.

Later that evening, Elmer quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house . . . walked home . . . and left it there all night.

[gailkate]

History stranger than fiction:

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then?


Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the
old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts..

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance in roads Europe (and England ) for their legions.
The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder "What horse's ass came up with this?" You may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, a further twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank.

These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel.

The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

[doctork]

My favorite Canadian Rock & Roll radio station just seems much funnier than its US counterpart. This morning's joke:

DJ #1: Say, did you hear about the new "OctoMom Special" over at Denny's Restaurant?"

DJ#2: No, tell me about it.

DJ#1: It's 8 eggs, no sausage, and the guy at the next table over pays for it!


The station also jokes about the Canadian healthcare system:

A BC (British Columbia) resident is having a lot of pain in his hip, so he goes to his doctor, who tells him he has bad arthritis and probably needs his hip replaced. The doctor will order an MRI, which will be done in 3 or 4 months, and then if he needs surgery, it will take about a year to get it scheduled. Oh OK, if that's the best you can do...

But then, the man's dog is sick, so he takes the dog to the vet. The vet says, "Oh his hip is bad, he needs it replaced." The dog owner says, "OK I know the routine: you schedule an MRI in 3 months and then a year later, the dog can get the new hip."

The vet replies, "No problem, we can do the MRI for your dog today and then do the surgery on Friday." The dog owner cannot believe his dog's good luck, so he asks the vet, why can't people in BC get the same treatment?

"Oh people can get that same treatment, no problem," says the vet. "You just have to register as "Rover.'"

[gailkate]

Warning: May offend any number of people:

The Blind Cowboy

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-female biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waitress,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde woman with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman with a Taser.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4.The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
'No... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[doctork]

I decided to put this in the Jokes section too, because it really is a joke, coming from Wonkette and all (even though the story is true). Plus some might not read the politics stuff, but will look at jokes:

This is from a CNN story on new regulations requiring airlines to obtain more information from passengers.

” U.S. airlines on Saturday (tomorrow, August 15, folks) will begin asking travelers to provide their birth date and sex for the first time under a new aviation security requirement, federal officials said Wednesday.”

Here's a Wonkette response:

"Well, I draw the line at providing the airlines with sex…even it it IS their first time."

I'm with Wonkette; I will not provide airlines with sex. Isn't it bad enough we have to take off our shoes and go through the Virtual Strip Search?

Supposedly this is to enable more accurate matching of would-be passengers with names on The Terrorist List. If they have this list of terrorists, why not send the FBI to arrest them, and let the rest of us travel in peace?

[gailkate]

The usual warnings apply.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

So what does it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole the tent.'

[doctork]

I think we could use more jokes, don't you? I am just not good at retaining them, maybe I should go to the library and get a joke book or something. Maybe stay up later for Letterman, I dunno.

I wonder if I could persuade rmn to return with some jokes. He always had lots of them. Meanwhile, maybe you could look for some more gk!

[qhperson]

THE IRISH BAGPIPPER

As a young bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played, and I played, like I'd never played before: >From "My Home" and "The Lord Is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest" .... I closed the lengthy session with "Amazing Grace" and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before - and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."