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Jokes
Aug 19, 2009 22:37:35 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Aug 19, 2009 22:37:35 GMT -5
Oh, man, Q, that was precious! ;D And a NEW one to me.
I have to tell you, my joke supply is extremely low since I became a banker instead of a bartender, or a city councilman. Both were great for jokes. Hmmm, sounds liked there Should be a joke in there somewhere, doesn't it?
I guess I'll just keep letting Q and GK and the rest of you entertain me until I get back in the groove.
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Jokes
Aug 19, 2009 23:35:08 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Aug 19, 2009 23:35:08 GMT -5
Hey, ~B~! Don't you have some jokes?
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2009 6:11:58 GMT -5
Post by jspnrvr on Aug 20, 2009 6:11:58 GMT -5
I have to tell you, my joke supply is extremely low since I became a banker instead of a bartender, or a city councilman. Both were great for jokes. Hmmm, sounds liked there Should be a joke in there somewhere, doesn't it? We could try a group effort. I'll start it out. A banker, a bartender and a city councilman...(go into?...arrive at the Pearly Gates?...are on a plane?...are in a life raft?...)
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2009 20:00:25 GMT -5
Post by jspnrvr on Aug 20, 2009 20:00:25 GMT -5
Here's one via the Intranet:
A well dressed, respectable looking lady walked into a pharmacy, went straight up to the pharmacist, calmly looked him straight in the eye and said, " I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw us both in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2009 21:19:16 GMT -5
Post by qhperson on Aug 20, 2009 21:19:16 GMT -5
An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing on their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.... '
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2009 21:27:37 GMT -5
Post by qhperson on Aug 20, 2009 21:27:37 GMT -5
A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.
The head monk says "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.
The old monk sobs, "The word is celebrate."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2009 16:54:16 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Aug 23, 2009 16:54:16 GMT -5
These are great!!!
Thanks for posting them.
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Jokes
Aug 27, 2009 16:07:48 GMT -5
Post by qhperson on Aug 27, 2009 16:07:48 GMT -5
From notalwaysright.com:
Hell In A Handbag Bookstore | Maastricht, The Netherlands
Me: “That will be 17.50, please.”
Customer: “Are you a Christian, dear?”
Me: “Why do you ask?”
Customer: “Are you?”
Me: “Well, no. Why do you want to know?”
Customer: “Oh. I would like to be helped by someone else, please.”
Manager: “Good morning ma’am, I hear you’ve been having a problem with the clerk?”
Customer: “Oh, she didn’t make any trouble, it’s just that I don’t want my money to be handled by someone not of the faith. You should be careful, she’ll probably nick from the till when you’re not looking.”
Manager: “You’re right, ma’am, I shall definitely have to reprimand her.”
Me: *surprised* “What for?”
Manager: “For failing to notice that the lady was not planning on paying for the three Mars bars and the map of Europe she must have put in her bag while you were fetching me.”
(The customer freezes for a second, then looks at her bag.)
Customer: “Good heavens! I must’ve been so distracted I didn’t even notice the devil putting them there!”
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Jokes
Oct 8, 2009 13:48:04 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Oct 8, 2009 13:48:04 GMT -5
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 20:53:54 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 20:53:54 GMT -5
This one made me think of Brit.
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:00:01 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:00:01 GMT -5
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:03:45 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:03:45 GMT -5
The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center.
Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?"
The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage good-bye."
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:15:41 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:15:41 GMT -5
How to save the airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:32:48 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:32:48 GMT -5
In case you are wondering, I am hanging out a website where people are posting trying to win a prize - a free roundtrip first class trip from the US to Germany along with a bunch of aviation tours and some serious partying. The same trip I have already paid for. So I am trying to win the prize "for a friend" by hanging out and posting a lot.
In the meantime, having bored ourselves with "Pick me," some jokes are being posted, from which I am borrowing liberally.
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:33:29 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:33:29 GMT -5
A tough old cowboy counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grand children, and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:38:33 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:38:33 GMT -5
A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Australians get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not bad eh!
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:45:31 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:45:31 GMT -5
So this is what we have to look forward to in andorra and Germany!
SMART ... ANSWER
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.
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Jokes
Oct 9, 2009 21:48:48 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Oct 9, 2009 21:48:48 GMT -5
I am worried this jokester might win the prize instead of me! Uh-oh.
A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!
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Jokes
Oct 14, 2009 0:06:53 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Oct 14, 2009 0:06:53 GMT -5
I need to scroll further down our threads so I don't miss things. Great jokes, K, though the blonde's choice of sheep is my favorite.
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Jokes
Jan 2, 2010 2:23:08 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jan 2, 2010 2:23:08 GMT -5
I was just enjoying some dulce de leche ice cream, and it occurred to me that if people decided to have a food fight and all they had to throw at each other was a concoction of egg yolks milk and sugar which had been gently heated until it was thickened — they'd be having a custardy battle.
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Jokes
Jan 2, 2010 2:37:24 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jan 2, 2010 2:37:24 GMT -5
Ewwwwwwww . . . .
I think that requiresssssss an exaltation.
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2010 21:29:41 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Jan 7, 2010 21:29:41 GMT -5
George Bush is in a Cabinet meeting when he is informed that three Brazilian citizens were killed in a terrorist attack. "Oh my god! That's terrible," he says and starts sobbing into his hands.His cabinet members are shocked by this show of emotion by the President. Suddenly he looks at Dick Chaney and asks,"Exactly how many is three brazillion anyway?"
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Jokes
Jan 15, 2010 23:37:40 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jan 15, 2010 23:37:40 GMT -5
My buddy was standing in line at a competitor's bank yesterday. He could tell that the elderly Asian lady standing at one teller's station was not having a good time. She was clearly upset.
"What?" she yelled. "What you mean? Yesladay, I get two hundad dolla for yen. Today I get one hundad eighty dolla. Why change?"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations . . . "
The lady stepped back and said, "Fluc you white peopre, too!"
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Jokes
Jan 16, 2010 10:42:17 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jan 16, 2010 10:42:17 GMT -5
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Jokes
Feb 4, 2010 9:38:31 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Feb 4, 2010 9:38:31 GMT -5
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'
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Jokes
Feb 4, 2010 15:59:37 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 4, 2010 15:59:37 GMT -5
Good one, Babe! I'd karmalyze you but I'm fresh out for this hour.
Let's hear it for sinners!
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Jokes
Feb 4, 2010 16:38:28 GMT -5
Post by Jane on Feb 4, 2010 16:38:28 GMT -5
My ashly remains are supposed to go half on the shore of Lake Michigan and half amidst the other gunk on the Upper West Side of NYC.
One man I know asked his three sons to take his remains on a road trip to Montana and then off a mountain, and he left money for his boys to take the trip.
Another fellow asked that his ashes be put in the compost pile. He said, "It may do little to improve the compost pile, but it would satisfy me."
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2010 11:00:20 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 5, 2010 11:00:20 GMT -5
FOOTBALL AND THE BLONDE...... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'
Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'
'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like....Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!!!!!!!
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Jokes
Feb 6, 2010 20:54:15 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Feb 6, 2010 20:54:15 GMT -5
My ashly remains are supposed to go half on the shore of Lake Michigan and half amidst the other gunk on the Upper West Side of NYC. One man I know asked his three sons to take his remains on a road trip to Montana and then off a mountain, and he left money for his boys to take the trip. Another fellow asked that his ashes be put in the compost pile. He said, "It may do little to improve the compost pile, but it would satisfy me." Those are too good to call jokes, Jane.
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Jokes
Feb 8, 2010 21:01:06 GMT -5
Post by hartlikeawheel on Feb 8, 2010 21:01:06 GMT -5
Got this in the mail today:
Older couple sitting together on the porch.
He: When I die I want you to take all my belongings and sell every bit.
She: Why?
He: Because I don't want some other old asshole getting them.
She: What makes you think I'm going to marry another old asshole?
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