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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 16:16:08 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 7, 2007 16:16:08 GMT -5
Patiend was, indeed a misque. The other "mis-spelling was not. (aside to brit: Do I presume then that your doctor then had rather large digits? ? ) ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 3:12:33 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Jan 8, 2007 3:12:33 GMT -5
Ah, I am so refreshed with all of the laughing that's just commenced. Brit, go ahead an smite brut for revealing that silly as your private embarassment. I'll just exalt him in the morning. He's a morning kinda guy, iykwim. Or, so I've heard.
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Jan 8, 2007 5:24:09 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 8, 2007 5:24:09 GMT -5
;D
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Jan 8, 2007 5:27:58 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 8, 2007 5:27:58 GMT -5
Hey! Wait a minute!!!! I did not mention Brit's name. That bloody scot came out of the woodwork on his own!!! Brit should smite himself. ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 6:07:01 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Jan 8, 2007 6:07:01 GMT -5
Hey! Wait a minute!!!! I did not mention Brit's name. That bloody scot came out of the woodwork on his own!!! Brit should smite himself. ~B~ You want Brit to have ALL the fun! ;D
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 6:21:52 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 8, 2007 6:21:52 GMT -5
Actually, I think Brit is just trying to appear in every thread with his pants off. I dare him to go into one of the political threads without pants.
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Jan 8, 2007 8:53:04 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 8, 2007 8:53:04 GMT -5
Actually, I think Brit is just trying to appear in every thread with his pants off. I dare him to go into one of the political threads without pants. Well...with the reputaion that politicians are earning for themselves, Brit going pantsless might be quite.........errrr..........entertaining! Probably not for him though. ~B~
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Jan 8, 2007 17:38:17 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 8, 2007 17:38:17 GMT -5
That might depend on whether or not anyone's carrying any rubber bands to shoot at his..... at him.
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 18:00:09 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 8, 2007 18:00:09 GMT -5
You mean shoot at my meat and two veg?
Brutus, I think you introduced the joke with "Allow me Brit".
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 18:37:36 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 8, 2007 18:37:36 GMT -5
You mean shoot at my meat and two veg? Brutus, I think you introduced the joke with "Allow me Brit". :PPT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T!!!!! ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 18:42:06 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 8, 2007 18:42:06 GMT -5
BookladyWill the kilt not do?
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Jokes
Jan 8, 2007 18:44:46 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 8, 2007 18:44:46 GMT -5
A couple of daft ones from a Christmas Cracker.
Q How do you make a Belgian waffle? A Ask her the root of 677778.
Q What's red and white? A Pink
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Jokes
Jan 9, 2007 11:59:53 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Jan 9, 2007 11:59:53 GMT -5
The Olympics: The ultimate test of Earths elite athletes and the skill of the trainers: The preeminent celebration of the competitive spirit.
Wrestling: The patriarchal sport of sports, its legendary traditions older than history, old as time. Its greatest athletes, memorialized in Greek statuary, recently found to contain hidden code chiseled between the glutemus maximus, lend an intriguing twist to the mythical story of Cain and Able: Cain used an illegal choke hold.
Yes Stan, a sad stain on this time honored sport but not something that could happen between the consumate athletes we’ll see competing for gold in the next and final match.
Thats right Ed, You won’t see the Russian heavyweight Ivan Gonakilyavich using an illegal hold. We may whitness the application of his unique trademarked Pretzel Hold®. The hold that has made him the undisputed favorite to win the gold in these games. I might mention that no other wrestler has mastered or escaped from the Pretzel Hold®.
That’s true Stan but the training staff for the U.S. competitor Bob Noxious has concentrated a tremendous effort on the Pretzel Hold®. Lets go to the Anatocam® Stan and give the folks an overview of the results of this training. You’ll notice those prominent portrusions on Bobs inner thighs. Those are the result of the over development of the Abductor longus and Abductor medius pushing between the Sartorius and the Grasilis, designer musculature developed through computer modeling of the mechanics of the Pretzel Hold®.
Whew Ed those are pretty impressive and thats in the relaxed position. I’d say nothing short of a buldozer is going to get between those babys once they’re flexed. Lets move the Anatocam® up a bit Ed. Whow! What are those Portrusions on the side of Bobs head Ed?
Those are lumps Stan. You don’t make it to the Olympics without a few of those. Well it looks like the Referee is calling them to the mat Stan. Lets go to the Matcam®.
(A minute and a half into the third period)
It’s been a Dynamic bout Stan, I’ve got it scored dead even after that 5pt bulldog 3/4 face lock flapjack by Bob Noxious.
They don’t call him Bob Noxious for nothing Ed. It looks like Ivan isn’t going to get the op...Whow! There it is, Ivan has just completed the Pretzel Hold® It looks like a fall Ed. The Ref. is starting the count. Whowwww!! Ed Did you see That (Screams from the crowd) Bob Noxious has just broken out of the Pretzel Hold®! Ivan is in danger! The REF STARTS THE COUNT THE JUDGE RAISES HIS FLAG AND ITS ALL OVER BOBNOXIOUS IS THE WINNER BY A FALL!
(Later, after the awards and the fanfare Bobs coach takes him aside and asks...) How did you do it Bob? We trained you, modeled your musculature to avoid getting into the Pretzel Hold® but you reversed it. You gotta tell me how you did it.
(Bob begins to tear up a bit) Well coach der I was, my shoulders to the mat. I never ben pinned before coach. I was scared, desperate, (Bob looks around and moves a little closer) all I could see was dis big set of nards in front of my face so I stretched my neck as far as I could...And I bit em.
You bit em? whispers the coach.
(Bob breaks under the stress and begins to cry) Coach, he says, You’ll never believe how much strength you get when you bite your own nards.
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Jan 9, 2007 13:39:42 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 9, 2007 13:39:42 GMT -5
A story from this month’s local Parish Magazine.
The Sunday school teacher asked her class, “How do you think Noah spent his time while he was waiting for the water to go down?”
There was a long silence.
“Do you think he would do much fishing perhaps?”
Eventually a six-year-old said, “No, not if he had only two worms.”
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Jokes
Jan 9, 2007 13:42:04 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 9, 2007 13:42:04 GMT -5
Brutus made an asideCome come Brutus, all you Americans consider us Scots to be tight-arsed.
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Jan 9, 2007 14:58:50 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 9, 2007 14:58:50 GMT -5
I see from today's Glasgow Herald a true story, but worthy of posting here:
OUR story about the weary partygoer at the bus-stop, who, when told it was 9.30, asked if that was am or pm, reminded Bert Houliston of being in the lift at Jury's Hotel in Dublin when a dishevelled chap with heavy stubble and a crumpled dinner suit asked: "Now, ye'll be thinking this is a strange question for a fella to be asked in a hotel elevator, but could you tell me what day is it?"
When Bert replied Friday, the chap declared: "Jaisus! That's two days I've lost! She'll kill me."
Trying to empathise with him, Bert asked: "Have you been at a wedding?"
"Aye … mine!" the fellow declared, as he headed for the taxi rank.
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Jan 9, 2007 16:11:20 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 9, 2007 16:11:20 GMT -5
Brutus made an asideCome come Brutus, all you Americans consider us Scots to be tight-arsed. Well.......you Scots have a reputation, you know. ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 10, 2007 15:25:37 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 10, 2007 15:25:37 GMT -5
One morning, an auld Edinburgh wifie was taken to a new Nursing Home by her daughter. The daughter went to work after promising to come and see her in the evening to see how she had settled in.
The old woman was seated comfortably on a suitable chair and gazed at her new surroundings, taking everything in, including the scenic view from the large bay window.
Slowly, she stiffly began to topple to the left, but the alert staff, anxious to please this newcomer, quickly recovered her and put her back in the upright position. Twenty minutes later, she was slowly leaning to the right. Again the alert staff quickly had her bolt upright again.
This went on in each direction all day and sure enough the daughter arrived and asked the old lady if she liked it here.
"Och it's all right but they don't let you fart."
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Jokes
Jan 11, 2007 15:14:13 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 11, 2007 15:14:13 GMT -5
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Jan 11, 2007 23:15:52 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Jan 11, 2007 23:15:52 GMT -5
A man went to the minister at his church. "Preacher," he said, "we have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing not to mention disrespectful. What can I do?"
"I've noticed this, too; I have an idea if you are up to the task," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. From the pulpit, I can see when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the hatpin." At church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the minister put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones.
"Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the sharp hatpin.
"Yes! You are correct, Mrs. Jones!" came the ministers quick reply. Mrs. Jones then turned and glared angrily at her husband.
Soon Mrs. Jones again nodded off. The minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning to Mr. Jones. "My God!' howled Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin.
"Right again!" bellowed the minister, a slight grin on his face. Mrs. Jones again gave her husband a really hard, threatening glare.
Before long, though, she again nodded off to sleep. This time, however, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand gestures that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to sharply poke his wife with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones jumped up and shouted, "You stick that thing in me just one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it where the sun don't shine!"
And all the women in the congregation replied - "Amen, Sister!"
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Jokes
Jan 11, 2007 23:26:33 GMT -5
Post by juliastar on Jan 11, 2007 23:26:33 GMT -5
I had back labor for both of the boys in the dark ages when they told us to breathe and didn't give women anything for the pain because it might negatively affect the baby. I think I used words to that effect to my poor husband during labor for my second.
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Jan 12, 2007 18:07:36 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 12, 2007 18:07:36 GMT -5
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
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Jan 13, 2007 8:58:59 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 13, 2007 8:58:59 GMT -5
While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"There's no need! I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator, the doors open, and he rides the elevator down, down, down. When the doors open again, the senator finds himself in the middle of a beautiful green golf course. In the distance is an elegant clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in formal dress. They run to greet him, and they reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up, and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by, and St. Peter returns.
"Well, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, you must choose where you want to spend eternity."
He reflects for a minute and then answers, "Well, I would never would have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better satisfied in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator, and down, down, down he goes into Hell. Now, the doors of the elevator open, and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. And it's hot, hot, hot, and the odor is just horrible.
Sweltering hot. Hot and miserable. The Devil comes over to him and smoothly lays his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "The day before I was here, and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland full of garbage, and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at the senator, smiles, and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."
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Jan 19, 2007 13:39:02 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 19, 2007 13:39:02 GMT -5
If you need to wind down at the end of the long week, this will do it. This YouTube video is nine minutes long - a full feature! The friend who sent it to me warned me that it starts off a bit slow - the comedian isn't all that funny, but said to keep watching, it was worth it. I did. It was. Now my stomach hurts. The punch line (in song) is hilarious. www.neatorama.com/2007/01/05/the-funniest-laugh-ever/Watch the guy seated in the middle.
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Jan 20, 2007 3:08:17 GMT -5
Post by hartlikeawheel on Jan 20, 2007 3:08:17 GMT -5
UffDah, joe. The Packrat sends me all kinds of hopeless stuff fron his police pals. This is what came today and I had a few considerations about how politically incorrect it was.
Some guy came home from Montana and went to the bank to exchange some Canadian money he had picked up on his trip. There was an Asian man in the line in front of him. He was complaining about trying to exchange his yen into dollars and how last week they had been worth more money. He wanted to know why,
The clerk just shrugged her shoulders and said,"Fluctuations."
He responded, "Well, then fluc you white people too."
Sorry. But it struck me as so funny that I nearly fell off my chair.
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Jan 20, 2007 15:42:24 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 20, 2007 15:42:24 GMT -5
Three women, two in their twenties and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the younger ones pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at her quizically. "That was my pager," she explained: "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained: "That was my mobile phone voice-mail. I have a microchip implanted in my hand".
The older woman felt very low-tech, but not to be outdone she decided she had to do something equally impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the loo.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear-end. The other two raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
"Well! would you look at that! I'm getting a fax!"
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Jan 20, 2007 15:47:43 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 20, 2007 15:47:43 GMT -5
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles west of Winnipeg.
When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and he didn't want to be late.
The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, 'cos there's no ph.kin`way I can pass that test."
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Jan 20, 2007 20:03:51 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 20, 2007 20:03:51 GMT -5
Three women, two in their twenties and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. One of the younger ones pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her quizically. "That was my pager," she explained: "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished she explained: "That was my mobile phone voice-mail. I have a microchip implanted in my hand". The older woman felt very low-tech, but not to be outdone she decided she had to do something equally impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the loo. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear-end. The other two raised their eyebrows and stared at her. "Well! would you look at that! I'm getting a fax!" hilarious!
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Jan 20, 2007 20:04:53 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 20, 2007 20:04:53 GMT -5
Actually, both of your latest are hilarious, Brit.
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Jan 21, 2007 3:48:02 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Jan 21, 2007 3:48:02 GMT -5
This thread is a delight to read a couple times a week, when the laughs have had a chance to pile up. That way, even if something isn't quite side-splitting, one is already snorting and may as well let loose for 'em all.
;D
But I really, really do enjoy reading these. Trusty, I'd read the one about the sermon-sleeper before, but still howled at your version. And Brit, I'm downloading that youtube spoof right now.
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