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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 14:21:17 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 14:21:17 GMT -5
The Christian
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.
As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 14:31:49 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 14:31:49 GMT -5
Garrison did that on one of his shows about a year or more ago.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 14:33:42 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 14:33:42 GMT -5
Missed it then, or forgot. Someone e-mailed it to me.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 14:38:29 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 14:38:29 GMT -5
******'s worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 14:45:37 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 14:45:37 GMT -5
Subject: Alabama vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. The husband still wasn't convinced, he wanted a second opinion, so he visited a doctor in Georgia. That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but remembering his patient was from Alabama, he told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Since the second doctor told him to do exactly the same thing as the first doctor, the Alabamian figured the procedure, strange as it seemed, must work. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 17:08:16 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 17:08:16 GMT -5
A nun is having a bath in her convent when there was a knock on the door.
She called out "Who's there?"
"It's the blind man."
She thought, well, if he can't see, it's ok if he comes in so she said: "Come on in".
The man came in and asked "Which window is the blind for?"
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 17:13:37 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 17:13:37 GMT -5
A farmer went to a pond on his land and found two naked women swimming in it.
He told them to get out, and they replied: "Not while you're here".
He said, "I won't be a moment, I've only come to feed the crocodiles."
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 17:15:22 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 17:15:22 GMT -5
A golfer was hit very painfully by a low-flying ball and rolled on the ground in agony, hand between legs.
Another player, who happened to be a physiotherapist, came over and said if he lowered his trousers she would be able to help him.
She massaged him and asked if he felt better. He said "That was lovely, but my thumb still hurts"
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 17:17:01 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 17:17:01 GMT -5
Wife called down to elderly husband "Will you come upstairs and make love to me?"
Husband replied: "It will have to be one or the other."
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 20:11:13 GMT -5
Post by carolion on Nov 10, 2006 20:11:13 GMT -5
Dang, if you didn't get the one about the Alabamian just right, Joe.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 20:25:27 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 20:25:27 GMT -5
Another that I got from e-mail, but I thought it was pretty good.
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2007 8:50:14 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 6, 2007 8:50:14 GMT -5
An elderly couple made a deal that whoever died first would somehow come back to inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there really was no heaven.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go and, true to his word, a few weeks later as his wife sat and watched TV, she heard a ghostly voice saying, "Maude... Maude ... "
"Is that you, John?" she asked as she looked in vain around the room. The voice responded, "Yes Maude, I've come back just like we agreed."
"What's it like, John?" Maude asked.
John said, "Well, I get up in the morning and I have sex. Then I have breakfast, and after that more sex. I bathe in the sun for a while and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, then have sex pretty much all afternoon. After dinner I have sex until late at night and the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, John," Maude said, "then surely you must be in heaven!"
"Not exactly," John said. "I'm a rabbit somewhere in England."
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2007 8:52:09 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 6, 2007 8:52:09 GMT -5
A Bottle of Merlot~
A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone.The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read:
"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2007 9:06:13 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 6, 2007 9:06:13 GMT -5
I haven't read this thread since early November. Hilarious.
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2007 11:40:34 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 6, 2007 11:40:34 GMT -5
Booklady tells us
Until today, there hasn't been any posting since early November.
Did I miss something?
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Jokes
Jan 6, 2007 13:31:08 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 6, 2007 13:31:08 GMT -5
No, you didn't miss anything. I hadn't read most of the jokes here that were posted in November. Shocking! I don't always read everything posted here!
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 8:39:08 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Jan 7, 2007 8:39:08 GMT -5
He3 he3 Heres my two cents from the stickers page of the roges files
What would you call the perfect woman? A Happy Cramper
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 9:39:25 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 9:39:25 GMT -5
What do you give the person who's got everything?
Antibiotics!
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 9:42:30 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 9:42:30 GMT -5
Blonde goes into motoring accessory shop waving a dipstick.
Assistant says "Can I help you Madam?"
Blonde "Have you got a longer one of these?"
Assistant says "Why do you want a longer one?"
Blonde "Because this one doesn't reach the oil."
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 9:51:30 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 9:51:30 GMT -5
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The Doc will confirm that.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 11:11:04 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 7, 2007 11:11:04 GMT -5
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The Doc will confirm that. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin. Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. Couldn't help myself, Scotbrit, I just had to exalt you for this one!!!! ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 11:34:44 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 11:34:44 GMT -5
Thanks Brutus!
Thanks for the exalt, it's always nice to be appreciated, but I hastily say that I do not deserve it as I was not the author.
I've tried to make up a joke about an actual experience that I have had which I consider is faintly amusing and when I have told the story everyone says it could be adapted perfectly for the net but for the life of me I can't get my tongue around the words. Maybe I'll relate the true story to Trusty or yourself and see if either of you can tidy it up without identifying me!
The trouble about telling a joke on the internet as opposed to in a pub or at a party is that at a party or pub you can see the reaction. On the net one doesn't know if the person looking at it is laughing, smiling or frowning.
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 12:41:52 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 12:41:52 GMT -5
OK I'm bored on this Sunday afternoon.
A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think, I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old arse?"
She replied, "Your name never came up."
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 12:55:47 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 12:55:47 GMT -5
Pope Benedict in the US
After getting all of Pope Benedicts luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well to tell you the truth," says the Pope , "the Vatican never let me drive when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
(Remember, there is no speed limit in Germany.) "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going one hundred and five.
"So bust him." says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: " A senator?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "The Prime Minister?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope."
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 13:40:10 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 7, 2007 13:40:10 GMT -5
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 13:52:24 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Jan 7, 2007 13:52:24 GMT -5
Thanks Brutus! Thanks for the exalt, it's always nice to be appreciated, but I hastily say that I do not deserve it as I was not the author. I've tried to make up a joke about an actual experience that I have had which I consider is faintly amusing and when I have told the story everyone says it could be adapted perfectly for the net but for the life of me I can't get my tongue around the words. Maybe I'll relate the true story to Trusty or yourself and see if either of you can tidy it up without identifying me! The trouble about telling a joke on the internet as opposed to in a pub or at a party is that at a party or pub you can see the reaction. On the net one doesn't know if the person looking at it is laughing, smiling or frowning. Allow me, Brit: Seems a certain prominent member of a certain community, who was also on the planning council for that community was paying a visit to his doctor for the purpose of regular exams as befitting a man of middle age. It needs mentioning that the doctor also had an application for a building permit in the planning council for consideration. Of course, one of the exams is of the prostate. This exam is next on the list, so the doctor instructs his prominent patient to lower his trousers and "assume the position" on the table. The patient does so, lying in fetal with his bare dairy-aire in place for the doc's ease of access. As the doctor snapped on a pair of latex gloves, he said to his patiend: "I know this might not be the most appropriate time or place, but I'm curious as to the status of my permit." The patient let out a large belly laugh at the thought of the situation and the doctor finished checking him. As the patient pulled his trousers up the doctor commented on his choice of timing for inquiring about the permit, but allowed that it had aided the process of the prostate exam. The patient was puzzled until the doc explained that during the patient's belly laugh, access to the area to be examined was made much easier. The patient then said; "Well, I guess I did, really, laugh my a** of then, eh?? ;D ~B~
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 14:40:36 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 14:40:36 GMT -5
Although I was hoping you would send your idea by private e-mail, that is a very good shot. Now that everyone in this forum knows about it, not only is my rectum loosened, so are my bowels.
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 14:42:29 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Jan 7, 2007 14:42:29 GMT -5
LMAO! Thanks, Brutus. I looked at the story and didn't think it could be converted into a joke - but you did it! Go ~B~ Man!
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 14:56:37 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 7, 2007 14:56:37 GMT -5
Just tidy up the spelling Brutus.
Derrière.
Patient not patiend
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Jokes
Jan 7, 2007 15:08:58 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Jan 7, 2007 15:08:58 GMT -5
We have to read about your loose bowels and rectum, yet you feel Brutus should be concerned with spelling?
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