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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 11:58:00 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 7, 2006 11:58:00 GMT -5
I'm starting with this one which someone just e-mailed me. I hope scotbrit takes this in the spirit in which it is intended.
> A Scotsman asks the dentist the cost for a tooth extraction. > > 85 pounds for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply. > > "85 pounds!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" > > "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. > > "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?" > > "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 pounds off." > > "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an > anesthetic?" > > "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the > price could drop to 40 pounds." > > "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the > extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" > > "It'll be good for the students," mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 > pounds. But it will be traumatic." > > "Och now yer talkin' laddie! Its a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye > confirm an appointment for the wife for next Tuesday then?"
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 12:37:21 GMT -5
Post by sisterbeer on Nov 7, 2006 12:37:21 GMT -5
I hope scotbrit takes this in the spirit in which it is intended. That spirit would be misogyny? Why Brit, especially?
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 12:45:11 GMT -5
Post by dwarnold on Nov 7, 2006 12:45:11 GMT -5
Perhaps, Sisterbeer, the Scotsman in question was in fact a misogamist rather than in possession of a spirit of misogyny. Or perhaps he was a fiscally conservative Republican living in the USA where the lack of a national health care plan that included dental work puts many people in situations of making choices they would not enjoy.
And now the joke:
George W. Bush was driving from Texas to New York and stopped in a bar on a quiet street and began drinking. After he was well past the legal limit, he stood up and shouted, "All Democrats are pigs!"
Immediately, the barroom crowd set upon him and threw him out of the bar.
After a few days, Mr. Bush stopped in the same bar on his way back to Texas and began drinking again. He stood up, but remembering what had happened last time, he shouted, "All Republicans are pigs," whereupon the crowd descended upon him and threw him out again.
Lying on ground, he asked a passer by "Who the hell do these people vote for around here?"
"You don't understand," the man replied. "They are all pig farmers."
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:22:25 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 7, 2006 13:22:25 GMT -5
I hope scotbrit takes this in the spirit in which it is intended. That spirit would be misogyny? Why Brit, especially? Are ye daft, woman? The jooke makes gen'le foon o' Scotsmen, an sco'brit is himself a Scotsman, soo if he is hypersensitive, he might take offense.
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:24:52 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:24:52 GMT -5
I don't take offence at jokes made at a Scotsman's expense Joe, so no problems there.
John O Reily hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!”
That won him the best toast of the night prize at the pub.
He went home and said to his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” she said “Aye, did you now? And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church, beside my wife!” “Oh that’s very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner….
The man chuckled leeringly and said “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you Mary.” She said “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself! You know he’s only been there twice in the last 4 years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:31:02 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:31:02 GMT -5
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her in the mirror.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
The nun responded: "Well, let's see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single, and second, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied, and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Hallowe'en party."
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:36:02 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:36:02 GMT -5
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a park bench under a tree, when one turned to the other and said ."Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you are about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim replied: "I feel just like a new born baby!"
"Really? Like a new born baby?"
"Yep. No teeth, no hair, and I think I just wet my pants!"
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:37:51 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:37:51 GMT -5
A young ventriloquist is doing a national tour.
One night he's doing a show complete with his dummy on his knee and he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when he's interrupted by a blonde woman in the fourth row who stands up and begins shouting at him; "I've had enough of your stupid blonde jokes" she rants. "What makes you think you can stereotype women in this way? What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community"
The embarrased ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the woman shouts him down. "You stay out of this mister!" she yells. "I'm talking to the miserable little bastard on your knee."
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:38:46 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:38:46 GMT -5
What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 13:39:38 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 13:39:38 GMT -5
At least you can't say a Scotsman doesn't give good value for your money!
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 14:13:39 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 7, 2006 14:13:39 GMT -5
LOLx5! Worth every penny, scotbrit.
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 14:44:20 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 14:44:20 GMT -5
I never wrote them, I'm not that witty.
Feel free to copy and paste and send to your friends.
That's what I did!
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 18:24:54 GMT -5
Post by jspnrvr on Nov 7, 2006 18:24:54 GMT -5
Then there's the new bedtime medication for the old guys in the nursing home. The old boys get a combination of Valium and Viagra...........................................They get a good night's sleep, and don't have to worry about rolling out of bed!
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Jokes
Nov 7, 2006 18:45:32 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 7, 2006 18:45:32 GMT -5
Upon which sweet, but rudimentary thoughts, I must meander towards my bed.
Make sure y'all vote before it is too late!
Oh! Nearly tripped up there! I didn't mean to include my entreaty to all you good American citizens to vote as though it was a joke.
You did that last time.
Forgot what thread I was on.
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2006 13:42:53 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 8, 2006 13:42:53 GMT -5
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the cubicle next to me saying: "Hi, how are you?" I'm not the type to start a conversation in the toilets at a rest stop but I did answer, somewhat embarrassed: " Doing just fine."
And the other guys says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that!??
At this point I'm thinking this is way too bizzare so I say, "Ohhh... like you, just travelling east."
At this point I'm just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place?"
Ok, this question is wacky, but I figure I should just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him: "Well, I have some company over so today is a bad time for me." Then I hear the guy say: "Listen, I'll have to call you back, some idiot in the next stall keeps answering my questions, bye!"
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2006 13:45:31 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 8, 2006 13:45:31 GMT -5
JSP concludes: Gives a whole new meaning to that modest kitchen utensil, the rolling pin.
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2006 18:33:38 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Nov 8, 2006 18:33:38 GMT -5
My very devout and good sister sent me this joke, so it must be ok to tell.
What Religion is Your Bra? A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife." " What type of bra?" asked the clerk. " Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type? " Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from. Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..
The Catholic type supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs... {B} Barely there. {C} Can't Complain! {D} Dang! {DD} Double dang! {E} Enormous! {F} Fake. {G} Get a Reduction. {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
They forgot the German bra. Holtzemfromfloppen!
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Jokes
Nov 8, 2006 19:52:58 GMT -5
Post by carolion on Nov 8, 2006 19:52:58 GMT -5
Ba ba Boom!
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 0:03:42 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Nov 9, 2006 0:03:42 GMT -5
Oh, man. I'm gasping for breath, bookie.
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 13:40:22 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 9, 2006 13:40:22 GMT -5
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "Do you want two lanes or four on that bridge ?"
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 13:42:21 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 9, 2006 13:42:21 GMT -5
The Vicar announced he was moving on to bigger and better things - like becoming a bishop. He said "Jesus brought me here and Jesus is moving me on."
When the curate announced the final hymn, the congregation sang with unaccustomed gusto "What a friend we have in Jesus!"
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 13:43:54 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 9, 2006 13:43:54 GMT -5
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born...and couldn't walk for a year."
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 13:48:14 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 9, 2006 13:48:14 GMT -5
All this by way of diversion BTW.
Blonde phones the fire brigade and says her house is on fire. The fireman asks, "How do we get there"?
She replied "In the red flippin truck with the ladders."
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Jokes
Nov 9, 2006 13:49:58 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 9, 2006 13:49:58 GMT -5
85% of woman think their bum is too fat.
10% of woman think their bum is too skinny.
5% dont care - they love him - he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:34:05 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 13:34:05 GMT -5
3 nuns arrived at the pearly gates with St Peter there to greet them. First, they were informed by St Peter that they would have to answer a simple question before they entered heaven.
The 1st nun was asked what was the first book in the Old Testament, she promptly replied: "Genesis".
2nd nun was asked what was the first book in the New Testament and she quickly replied St Matthew.
St Peter thought to himself "this is becoming too easy for these earthlings" so he asked the 3rd nun what was the first words uttered by Eve when she saw Adam in the garden of Eden.
She looked bewildered, scratched her head, and said "Gee that's a hard one."
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:34:33 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 13:34:33 GMT -5
"If you indulge in too much phone sex, do you end up with hearing Aids?"
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:40:17 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 13:40:17 GMT -5
The judge had gone to the pub for a refreshment after a long session judging.
He had several too many, and finally threw up down the front of his shirt. Apparently when he got home his wife was really annoyed about it, so the judge told her some yob had done it and was coming up before him in court on Monday.
On Monday morning the wife started to do the washing, then rang the judge at court. She said "What are you going to do about that yob who was sick on your shirt?"
Judge replied: "£50 fine, why?"
Wife said: "You'd better make it £100 in view of what he's done in your pants"
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:43:28 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Nov 10, 2006 13:43:28 GMT -5
Two regulars were in the pub for so long that when they came out they had lost track of the time to the point where they didn't know if it was day or night.
They saw a yellow orb in the sky, and one said to the other "Look, there's the sun, it must be day time".
The other said "Don't be silly, it's the moon".
They went on arguing for a while, and then someone else came along so they said "Excuse me, is that the sun or the moon up there?"
He said, "I'm sorry I'm not the best person to ask. I'm a stranger here myself".
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:50:02 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 13:50:02 GMT -5
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary clinic. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador.
As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet fussed the dog and took it out, but returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably ..... dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan ......" > >
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Jokes
Nov 10, 2006 13:56:05 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 10, 2006 13:56:05 GMT -5
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions. A week after arriving back home in the states, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican doctor! Amellican doctor always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!" "Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! two week. Penis fall off by self!"
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