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Jokes
Jan 30, 2007 15:02:43 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 30, 2007 15:02:43 GMT -5
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look THAT old? Well... you'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed the diploma which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my High School Class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a crush on 'way back then?
When I was ushered into his surgery, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face and a vast paunch was 'way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes! Yes, I did! I'm a Mustang!" he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He replied: "In 1959. Why do you ask?" I gushed: "You were in my class!"
He looked at me closely, then that ugly, old, son-of-a bitch said: "Mmmm. What did you teach?
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Jokes
Jan 30, 2007 15:05:23 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Jan 30, 2007 15:05:23 GMT -5
I think Tills is referring to the surgery she had and the stitches in her lip that she thought had healed. Ouch.
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rmn
Sleepy Member
Posts: 75
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Jokes
Jan 30, 2007 15:31:54 GMT -5
Post by rmn on Jan 30, 2007 15:31:54 GMT -5
Thanks, slb2. Sorry, Tillie. I thought you were talking about other old wounds. Well, call me an idiot.
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Jokes
Jan 30, 2007 15:43:51 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Jan 30, 2007 15:43:51 GMT -5
Thanks, slb2. Sorry, Tillie. I thought you were talking about other old wounds. Well, call me an idiot. Oh RMN, I'd never call you an idiot. That you even give a second thought to "old wounds" takes you up a peg in my book.
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Jokes
Jan 30, 2007 17:24:09 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Jan 30, 2007 17:24:09 GMT -5
Thanks, slb2. Sorry, Tillie. I thought you were talking about other old wounds. Well, call me an idiot. Oh, sweet Idioso! Actually, you helped me no end, since February the 3rd's show on Saturday is titled "Humourous Intent," I was afraid I shouldn't really listen to THE SHOW! However, thanks to you and your cohorts here and otherwise, I just practiced and found out I can laugh vertically as well as horizontally without reopening my right upper lip! Like so Thank you eversomuch! *:-0 Thanks to Slb, too!
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2007 12:06:12 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Jan 31, 2007 12:06:12 GMT -5
Fast Medicine
Wal-Mart has everything! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2007 12:18:31 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Jan 31, 2007 12:18:31 GMT -5
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2007 12:47:17 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jan 31, 2007 12:47:17 GMT -5
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying it to see if you can outsmart your foot. But you can't!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!! I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it. What does it mean if you can keep the foot going clockwise?
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2007 12:49:45 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Jan 31, 2007 12:49:45 GMT -5
Thanks! Released the endorphins! Forgot to log out this morning, but arrived back just in time for a giggle! ...don't tempt me too much, though, don't want a permanent puckerup!... *;0
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2007 14:26:06 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Jan 31, 2007 14:26:06 GMT -5
I want to live my next life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better everyday.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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Jokes
Feb 2, 2007 14:35:49 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 2, 2007 14:35:49 GMT -5
Call me a chavaphobic if you must, but:
What's the difference between a chav* and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
Two chavs jump off a cliff, who wins? Society.
What does a chav girl use as protection during sex? A bus shelter.
What do you call a 30 year old chav girl? Granny.
What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted.
What do you call a chav in a suit "Will the defendant please rise"
Why did the chav cross the road? To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.
What do you call a chav girl in a white tracksuit? The bride.
If you see a chav on a bike why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
What's the first question during a chav quiz night? Whatya looking at?
Why are chavs like slinkey's? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
Two chavs in a car without any music, who's driving? The policeman!
What do you call a hundred chavs at the bottom of the river? A start.
Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Corsa a shame? Because a Corsa has 4 seats.
What do you call a chav with 9 gcse's? A liar.
What do you say to a chav with a job? Bigmac please.
What's the difference between a chav boy and a chav girl? A chav girl has a higher sperm count.
*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chav
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Jokes
Feb 3, 2007 14:37:17 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Feb 3, 2007 14:37:17 GMT -5
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. 1. On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." 2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." 3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." 4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." 5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down".
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (As night follows the day . .) 7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". 8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) 9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness". (One would hope) 10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to what?) 11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". 13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.) 14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." and my personal favorite........... 15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere?....Good Grief)
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Jokes
Feb 3, 2007 14:40:54 GMT -5
Post by juliastar on Feb 3, 2007 14:40:54 GMT -5
//7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". //
Honest to God, I know somebody who did that, and no, it wasn't me. She was in a hurry and saw a wrinkle on her blouse and who knows what she was thinking, because she wasn't, she grabbed the iron fast and pressed it against her stomach and wound up very badly burned.
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2007 0:45:24 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Feb 5, 2007 0:45:24 GMT -5
Chav Bashing brit
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know. There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2007 0:48:04 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Feb 5, 2007 0:48:04 GMT -5
Having said that-
There are always two ways to look at everything
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant. The husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I broke up with her seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2007 2:34:26 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 5, 2007 2:34:26 GMT -5
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look here Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times." _________________________________________ When life gives you lemons in 2007 - turn them into lemonade . . . then mix it with vodka! _________________________________________ John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one more request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" _________________________________________ Bad jokes, Oh, Yeah! We've got Bad Jokes!
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2007 3:14:12 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Feb 5, 2007 3:14:12 GMT -5
That last one is soooo fuhuhuhuhuhuhuny till
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Jokes
Feb 13, 2007 23:42:56 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Feb 13, 2007 23:42:56 GMT -5
Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean, I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out."
He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, and then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a minute, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.
"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"
"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy. "You've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."
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Jokes
Feb 16, 2007 13:14:00 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 16, 2007 13:14:00 GMT -5
A German Shephard went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price.
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense."
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2007 5:11:03 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 17, 2007 5:11:03 GMT -5
One day an Englishman, an Indian and an Australian all arrived at their hotel to find that there had been a mix-up with the bookings, and that there was only one room left for them to share.
The manager explained that this room only had two beds, but that there was a barn at a neighbouring farm which the farmer, an old friend of his, would let one of them sleep in free of charge.
They complained a bit, but since there was nowhere else to go, the Pom graciously said he'd sleep in the barn.
The Indian and the Aussie were just settling down to sleep in their room, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Englishman. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a pig in that barn and because I'm Jewish I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
"No problem," said the Indian. "I'll sleep out there instead." So off he went to the barn, leaving the Aussie and the POM to share the room.
They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door. It was the Indian: "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's a cow in that barn and because I'm a Hindu I feel uncomfortable about sharing the barn with it."
The Aussie grudgingly agreed to give up his bed and stomped off to the barn, leaving the Englishman and the Indian to share the room. They were just settling down to sleep, when there was a knock on the door...
It was the cow and the pig.
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Jokes
Feb 19, 2007 15:59:44 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 19, 2007 15:59:44 GMT -5
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.
I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
~~~~~~~
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history.
The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.
~~~~~~~
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2007 16:12:55 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 21, 2007 16:12:55 GMT -5
A guy went to a supermarket and noticed a beautiful blonde woman wave at him and say hello. He was rather taken aback, because he couldn't place her.
So he asked, "Do I know you?" To which she replied, "I think your the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind traveled back to the one and only time he had ever been unfaithful to his wife and said, "Oh my God! Were you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my ass???"
She looked into his eyes and quietly said, "No, I'm your son's math's teacher."
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Jokes
Feb 22, 2007 1:15:18 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Feb 22, 2007 1:15:18 GMT -5
That last one is a hoot. Bookie, have you ever had that experience? (You know which experience I mean!!)
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Jokes
Feb 22, 2007 15:51:44 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 22, 2007 15:51:44 GMT -5
This is not a joke per se, but is a true story which made me laugh.
Readers will have to understand that although Scottish religious ministers wear the same garb as Roman Catholic priests do in their daily tasks, they are not accorded the same form of address.
This cutting is from Glasgow's The Herald newspaper:
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Jokes
Feb 22, 2007 17:00:03 GMT -5
Post by joew on Feb 22, 2007 17:00:03 GMT -5
Good one, brit.
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Jokes
Feb 22, 2007 17:09:45 GMT -5
Post by booklady on Feb 22, 2007 17:09:45 GMT -5
That last one is a hoot. Bookie, have you ever had that experience? (You know which experience I mean!!) No, slb, I've never been a stripper at a bachelor party.
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Jokes
Feb 23, 2007 0:55:45 GMT -5
Post by slb2 on Feb 23, 2007 0:55:45 GMT -5
That last one is a hoot. Bookie, have you ever had that experience? (You know which experience I mean!!) No, slb, I've never been a stripper at a bachelor party.
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Jokes
Feb 23, 2007 9:57:23 GMT -5
Post by edsfam on Feb 23, 2007 9:57:23 GMT -5
This just in ... clear your conscience ...
Feb. 21 (Bloomberg) -- Governments in rich nations are spending billions of dollars to buy a clearer conscience over climate change. Are they getting their money's worth?
Enlightened individuals, those who stay awake at nights wondering what they can do to prevent the polar caps from melting, at least have a growing menu of choices.
Sydney-based Easy Being Green says it will mitigate your cat's flatulent contribution to global warming for A$8 ($6). The same company could also make your granny ``carbon-neutral'' at A$10 a year, according to a report in the Australian newspaper last weekend.
_E_
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 8:52:23 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 24, 2007 8:52:23 GMT -5
Another snippet from the Glasgow Herald
GLASGOW Youth Choir, celebrating its 50th anniversary on Monday with a special concert in the City Halls, which also marks the retirement of founder Agnes Hoey, has performed in hundreds of venues - including a prison.
The performance was going down well, until the girls were singing the song Bless This House. By the time they got through the lines "Bless this house, oh Lord we pray, keep it safe by night and day. Bless these walls so firm and stout, keeping want and trouble out" not only had the choir dissolved into hysterics but, thankfully, the prisoners had, too.
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 8:58:09 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 24, 2007 8:58:09 GMT -5
Another snippet from the Glasgow HeraldGLASGOW Youth Choir, celebrating its 50th anniversary on Monday with a special concert in the City Halls, which also marks the retirement of founder Agnes Hoey, has performed in hundreds of venues - including a prison. The performance was going down well, until the girls were singing the song Bless This House. By the time they got through the lines "Bless this house, oh Lord we pray, keep it safe by night and day. Bless these walls so firm and stout, keeping want and trouble out" not only had the choir dissolved into hysterics but, thankfully, the prisoners had, too. A good case of: I'm laughing with you not at you!
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