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Jokes
Mar 7, 2013 15:08:10 GMT -5
Post by rogesgallery on Mar 7, 2013 15:08:10 GMT -5
Over on Twitter, Very Grumpy Cat says, "Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire." That is totolally incapacitating!!
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Jul 26, 2013 6:20:58 GMT -5
Post by jspnrvr on Jul 26, 2013 6:20:58 GMT -5
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Aug 5, 2013 9:23:16 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Aug 5, 2013 9:23:16 GMT -5
Just found these, Jay. You have to "listen fast" to get them - at least I did - but pretty clever!
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Jokes
Aug 6, 2013 0:12:25 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Aug 6, 2013 0:12:25 GMT -5
Oh, Man! Those were all somewhere among Clever, stupid, obsolete, Huhhhhh?, and Very Funny. Maybe that's why all my kids are pretty much Nerds. It's a Good Thing these days.
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Oct 29, 2013 18:34:51 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Oct 29, 2013 18:34:51 GMT -5
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
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Oct 31, 2013 0:00:12 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Oct 31, 2013 0:00:12 GMT -5
HA! Good one.
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Jokes
Jan 29, 2014 15:48:22 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jan 29, 2014 15:48:22 GMT -5
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Jokes
Jan 31, 2014 22:28:48 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jan 31, 2014 22:28:48 GMT -5
"Notre Dame — a French team. Good luck to them!" "They've won a crystoo!" LOL
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Feb 4, 2014 14:43:28 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 4, 2014 14:43:28 GMT -5
Speaking of the Super Bowl, this from an irreverent friend who really is a very decent guy.
John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat? "No" replied the man, "They're all at her funeral!"
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Jokes
Feb 23, 2014 19:05:35 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 23, 2014 19:05:35 GMT -5
Same friend:
Drug sniffing dog
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.'
He told Sniffer to 'Search'.
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Good boy', and he turned to the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, 'Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'
'Great work!' said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to 'Search' again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over his seat.
The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why an intelligent, well-trained dog would behave like that.
So he asked the agent, 'What's going on?'
The agent gulped and said, 'He's just found a bomb.'
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Nov 27, 2014 12:01:46 GMT -5
Post by joew on Nov 27, 2014 12:01:46 GMT -5
Q: Why were the Incas called Incas?
A: Because they were heavily tattooed.
— Eastern New England Humor
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Nov 27, 2014 17:49:40 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Nov 27, 2014 17:49:40 GMT -5
Happy Thanksgiving to vegans everywhere!
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2014 22:46:54 GMT -5
Post by doctork on Nov 27, 2014 22:46:54 GMT -5
How about some "Guy walks into a bar" jokes?
1. A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a beer.....and a mop."
2. Three ropes walk into a bar. Unfortunately there is a sign by the bar that says "No ropes served". One of the ropes asks for 3 beers but the bartender takes one look at him, points to the sign and says, "we don't take kindly to your kind in here, hit the road."
Outside, the tallest rope tells his pals, "don't worry guys, I have a plan". He unravels part of himself, takes some twists and turns and reconfigures himself into a disguise. He walks back into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you that rope?" "Frayed knot"
3. Eight sodium atoms and Batman walk into a bar. What does the bartender say? NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa...Batman.
4. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
5. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
6. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here."
Plus, gotta have a doctor joke:
How many cardiac surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? One. They stand I the middle of the room holding the bulb and expect the world to revolve around them.
Oops, that was really a lightbulb joke. Here's a doctor joke:
Man goes to his doctor for lab results. Doc says "I had bad news and worse news."
"What's the bad news?"
"You have 24 hours to live."
"What could be worse than that?"
"I tried to call you yesterday."
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Nov 28, 2014 17:33:38 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Nov 28, 2014 17:33:38 GMT -5
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Jokes
Dec 6, 2014 1:02:47 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Dec 6, 2014 1:02:47 GMT -5
Thanks, folks!
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2015 15:13:37 GMT -5
slb2 likes this
Post by doctork on Mar 29, 2015 15:13:37 GMT -5
I found a bunch of geeky math jokes. I was a math nerd before I went medical.
1. A national park was visited yearly by a certain man. On one of those visits, the man met a snake and the snake's wife, but saw no little snakes. The man asked why there were no little snakes. "Well you see," replied Mr. Snake, "we are adders and cannot multiply." The following year, upon returning to the park, the man again found Mr. and Mrs. Snake, but now there were many little snakes. "How come there are so many little snakes?" the man asked. "Well, you see," replied Mr. Snake, "the park ranger came through here and built us a log table, so now we adders can multiply."
2. There once was a horse that showed a remarkable ability at learning mathematics. The horse mastered arithmetic, then elementary algebra. Soon after, it acquired plane and solid geometry, and next, trigonometry. Then it was offered analytic geometry, but upon this the horse balked, kicked, and carried on in a wild manner. All of which simply proves that one musn't put Descartes before the horse.
3. In a Native American tribe, there was a long tradition of using certain animals' skins to give birth upon. In fact, the rule was "the number of sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus was equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides", I truly am sorry for PUNishing the reader.
4. Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions
5. I do not think -- therefore I am not. Here is the illustration of this principle: One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?". Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.
6. And then...There was a statistician that drowned crossing a river... It was 3 feet deep on average
7. Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." The barman pulls out just two beers. The mathematicians are all like, "That's all you're giving us? How drunk do you expect us to get on that?" The bartender says, "Come on guys. Know your limits."
Explanation: This is a reference to a converging infinite series. The limit of this: from n=0 to ∞ Σ (1/2n) = 1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ... = 2 (This reminds me of my 8th grade algebra teacher. He said "If I put all the boys on one side of the room, and all the girls on the other side, and told you that each time I spoke, you would approach half the distance to the middle of the room, you would never reach each other. But for all practicle purposes, you would be together.)
8. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
9. Talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen for his farmer. He comes back and says ‘All 40 accounted for.’ Farmer says, ‘I’ve only got 36!’ Sheepdog replies, ‘I know, but I rounded them up.'
10. Hired an odd-job man to do 8 jobs for me. When I got back, he'd only done jobs 1,3,5, and 7
11. Entropy isn't what it used to be...
12. Three statisticians are in the woods, target shooting. One fires, missing the target but hitting a tree10 feet to the right of the target. The second statistician also misses the target, hitting a tree10 feet to the left of the target. The third statistician, acting as scorekeeper, says, "I'll put that down as two bulls eyes."
13. Math limericks! There was a young lady named Bright Whose speed was much faster than light She set out, one day In a relative way And returned the previous night
14. A limerick is really phenomenal It packs laughs in space economical But the good ones I've see So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical
15. What's the difference between a bird with one wing and a bird with two wings? It's a matter of a pinion.
16. This seemingly infinite series on calculus...(apologies for those who didn't take calculus)
Q: Why do they never serve beer at a math party? A: Because you can't drink and derive...
Q: What does Calculus and my dick have in common? A: They're both hard for you.
Q: Why wont Goldilocks drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it? A: It’s too cubed.
Q: What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)? A: A natural log cabin!
Q: What is the first derivative of a cow? A: Prime Rib!
Q: What is the value of the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero. Q: Why? A: Because all poles are in Eastern Europe!
Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children? A: "I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Q: What does the Ph.D. in math with a job say to the Ph.D. in math without a job? A: "Paper or plastic?"
Q: What is polite and works for the phone company? A: A deferential operator.
Q: What did Al Gore play on his guitar? A: An Algorithm
Q: Why was the parent function upset with its child? A: It was stretched to its limit.
Q: What is purple and commutative? A: An abelian grape
Q: Did you hear the one about the statistician? A: Probably
Q: What wild animal is good at calculus? A: The tangent lion. A: A tangent.
Q: What is a proof? A: One-half percent of alcohol.
Q: Why is a calculus book always unhappy? A: Because it always has lots of problems.
Q: Why was the Calculus teacher bad at baseball? A: He was better at fitting curves than hitting them.
Q: Have you heard about the constipated calculus teacher? A: He worked it out with a pencil.
Q: Why was the function so bent out of shape? A: Its regression model was too tight a fit.
Q: What is the integral of log cabin d cabin? A: Log Cabin + sea = houseboat.
Q: Why do you rarely find mathematicians spending time at the beach? A: Because they have sine and cosine to get a tan and don't need the sun!
Q: What did one calculus book say to the other? A: Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. A: Zorn's Lemon.
Q: Why did the algebra students throw bottles of hand cream across the classroom? A: They were investigating projectile lotion.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. A: Elephant zebra sin theta.
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
17. Someone released a set of supplementary notes on a textbook about differential calculus. It was a derivative work.
18. Math Professors Two math professors are sitting in a bar. One says "I am so dissapointed in people nowadays. Hardly anyone understands math properly." The other one says "I think you are way to hard on people and anyways what a pessimistic view of life!" The first man says "Whatever im going to the bathroom." The remaining professor calls over the pretty blonde bartender and says "When I call you over next time and as you a question answer with x-cubed divided by 3" The bartender says "uhhh what?" The proffesor says repeat after me: "x-cubed" "ex-cooooobed" "divided by 3" "deevided by tree" So the other professor comes back from the bathroom and the optimistic professor says "Hey your statement earlier really upset me. Look I bet I can prove that an ordinary working girl knows high level math" The other professor says "Alright prove it to me" The first professor calls over the blonde bartender and says "Alright what is the integral of x-squared?" And the bartender answers "x-cubed divided by 3!" as she walks away the other professor is all amazed. Suddenly the bartender turns around and yells "PLUS THE CONSTANT OF INTEGRATION!"
19. Four Friends Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in differentiation, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
20. (I have to include a TSA joke, right?) Airport Security A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane. When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage. Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation. "I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims. "You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!" "Sorry", the professor interrupts him. "I had never intended to blow up the plane." "So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!" "Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight." "And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?" "You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..."
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Jokes
Mar 29, 2015 18:58:02 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Mar 29, 2015 18:58:02 GMT -5
Very good, Doc . . . most of which I'm going to steal. Thanks!
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Jokes
Apr 21, 2015 19:21:32 GMT -5
slb2 likes this
Post by gailkate on Apr 21, 2015 19:21:32 GMT -5
Wow! Not to anyone's surprise, I just found K's wonderful collection of jokes. I'm a bit embarrassed to post this one after such a treasure trove, but hey, it's an Ole joke.
Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."
Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says. ''President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him."
We will fly out to Washington to see him."
Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
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Apr 22, 2015 7:37:54 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Apr 22, 2015 7:37:54 GMT -5
Well worth the wait, gk!
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2015 11:24:10 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Apr 25, 2015 11:24:10 GMT -5
The best Ole joke in a long time...
A road crew supervisor in Minnesota hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. The supervisor was skeptical about hiring him since OIe didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and he told the supervisor that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lena told him so. He explained to Ole that his work or the day would be to complete 2 miles of centerline on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started. After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress. On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again. On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to the supervisor's office and asked what was the problem. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?" "Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you vould figger it out fer yourself. Every day I get farder and farder avay from da paint can."
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Post by BoatBabe on Apr 25, 2015 14:18:43 GMT -5
Ole! Vat iss rong vis dat Boss o'yers, anyvays?
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May 12, 2015 8:19:13 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on May 12, 2015 8:19:13 GMT -5
So, Ole dies. The newspaper obituary writer goes to Lena's to get what she wants for the paper to be saying. She thinks a little and says "I don't know, it is joost so hard - joost write Ole died." The obit writer says, "Well, Lena, that is only two words. You get five words for the same price." Lena draws into herself and thinks some more - "Ok, Ole died, boat for sale."
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May 12, 2015 17:20:34 GMT -5
Post by Jane on May 12, 2015 17:20:34 GMT -5
Jewish Haikus
Hey! Get back indoors. Whatever you were doing could put an eye out!
A lovely nose ring. Excuse me while I put my head in the oven.
My nature journal today I saw some trees and birds I should know the names?
Beyond Valium the peace of knowing one's child is an internist.
Today I am a man. Tomorrow I return to the seventh grade.
Testing the word milk on her wrist, she beams; nice bu her son is forty.
Is one Nobel Prize too much to ask from a child after all I've done?
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May 12, 2015 20:32:27 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on May 12, 2015 20:32:27 GMT -5
HA! We're both laughing here.
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Jokes
May 23, 2015 22:02:43 GMT -5
Post by doctork on May 23, 2015 22:02:43 GMT -5
OK, now I got doctor jokes, many of them making fun of orthopedists.
How do you hide $20 from a Orthopod? Put it in a book.
How do you hide $20 from a Radiologist? Pin it to the patient's gown.
How do you hide $20 from a Cardiologist? You can't hide $20 from a Cardiologist.
How do you hide $20 from an internist? Put a bandage over it.
How do you hide $20 from a surgeon? Put it in the chart.
How do you hide $20 from a neurosurgeon? Give it to his wife
How do you hide $20 from a family doctor? No need, they will have earned it after their 3rd Medicaid patient of the day
How do you hide $20 from a pediatrician? You don't have to, they don't know what it is.
The "ABCs" of orthopedic medicine: Ancef Bone Cut
The function of the heart is to pump Ancef to the bones.
What's the difference between a carpenter and an orthopedic surgeon? A carpenter knows more than one type of antibiotic.
What is the difference between an orthopedist and an obstetrician? An orthopedist has to be strong and dumb. An obstetrician doesn't really have to be very strong.
NB: That last joke may be true today, when babies either pop out or you do a C-section. But back when we used forceps and vacuum extractors, we were told to do upper body strengthening exercises since it takes over 90 foot-pounds of pressure to get a baby out. I recall putting on forceps on a baby's head once and pulling so hard that the OR table started moving (it was "locked" and "couldn't move"). But now that I think about it, sometimes you have to push and pull really hard, even use forceps to get the baby out, even in a C-section. So I think you DO have to be very strong to be an OB.
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May 24, 2015 0:31:48 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on May 24, 2015 0:31:48 GMT -5
These are sort of inside jokes, K. So I looked up Ancef and found out it's an antibiotic ( a type to which I happen to be allergic, so this is good to know if I ever need orthopedic surgery). I take it ortho's just like to dose up the pt with an antibiotic and then start cutting? I didn't realize they were the dumbos of medicine. My doctor tends to dismiss them all with, "surgeons like to cut." But then, she's an internist, so does that make her dumb in her own way?
I had a boyfriend who up and left Michigan in the middle of sophomore year because he wanted to move to Colorado and ski. It seemed pretty irresponsible at the time, but somewhere in there he got himself together and is now a very successful ... orthopedic surgeon.
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May 24, 2015 9:12:48 GMT -5
Post by doctork on May 24, 2015 9:12:48 GMT -5
There is another old joke about docs and their specialties:
Surgeons do everything but know nothing. Internists know everything but can do nothing. Pathologists know every thing, do everything, but the patient is already dead. OB's know nothing, do nothing, then pray to God to help them.
Translation: Surgeons are actions figures, operate but don't think. Internists ruminate endlessly but don't take actions. Pathologists - self explanatory, cuz' they get all the answers at autopsy. OB's take over a natural process and claim victory when baby/mom are OK (may be true, but when it isn't, you damaged/killed a young mother AND a newborn with their entire lives ahead).
Well surgeons choose the specialty because they like to effect immediate solutions via surgery. Internists prefer to think and work through possibilities in complex cases. Family docs are dilettantes who like a little of everything, along with continuity of relationships and knowing whole families. There are some general personality differences.
SO: Surgeons and orthos don't read. Radiologists look at shadow pictures of people, they don't examine actual patients. Internists don't look under bandages because surgeons put them there, so surgeons are the ones who check the wounds underneath them. Pediatricians and family docs don't ever see so much money as a $20 bill because they are the paupers of the medical profession. Primary care salaries range $125K - $180K annually vs $$300K - $1,000,000 and up for the subspecialties (for 55 - 80+ hour workweeks, with lots of calls at 0300, and whole nights/days of 36 hours spent in th e hospital, sometimes with meals, sometime not); everyone now has $150,000K - $400,000K in educational debt at graduation at age 30 - 38 years of age, which is why no one takes primary care jobs any more. They can't afford to buy a home or have kids at those salaries.
The truth is, the MD medical education process & curriculum are standardized nation-wide in the US and we all have to pass the same exams and pass through the same residencies with the same curricula, with the same board-certification exams. So aside from the rare criminal/personality disorder, all MD's are intelligent, well-trained and have a bent toward hard work,and a strong competitive streak that compels them to remain up to date in their fields.
I don't know about DO training; it is said to be equivalent to MD, and in fact there is a trend toward merging the training. Nurse practitioner and Physician Assistant training is quite variable so I have seen a lot of individual variation in basic quality of work.
There is a lot of good-natured ribbing amongst MD's but almost all are at lest very competent, and there are many nets such as insurance/hospitals/licensure renewals, board recertification, aberrancy reports, to catch those who fall between the cracks due to mental health, drug abuse, alcohol problems, depression, etc. It's a very regulated profession.
So you are probably OK hiding your $20 in those designated places - they won't be stolen even if noticed!
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Nov 6, 2015 1:13:43 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Nov 6, 2015 1:13:43 GMT -5
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: ..........Well, I can't guarantee "actually" published, but they're funny anyway. FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY ! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. Statement of the Century
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Jokes
Nov 27, 2015 12:22:12 GMT -5
slb2 likes this
Post by doctork on Nov 27, 2015 12:22:12 GMT -5
There is another contest for "doctor jokes" on one of my web sites. I'll keep track and post a few of the best here as the contest progresses. Here is one I like, as it resonates with my personal philosophy:
Sam goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. “Everything is fine”, said the doctor, “You’re doing OK for your age.” “For my age?” questioned Sam, “I’m only 75, do you think I’ll make it to 80? “Well” said the doctor, “do you drink or smoke?” “No” Sam replied. “Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?” “No” said Sam “I am very careful about what I eat.” “How about your activities? Do you engage in thrilling behaviors like speeding or skiing? “No” said Sam taken aback, “I would never engage in dangerous activities.” “Well,” said the doctor, “then why in the world would you want to live to be 80?
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2015 21:05:02 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Dec 12, 2015 21:05:02 GMT -5
My current favorite:
What do you call a carpenter in Utah?
A Mormon Nailer.
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