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Jokes
Dec 20, 2010 0:25:12 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Dec 20, 2010 0:25:12 GMT -5
I've been busy writing Christmas letters, and I decided to include some jokes in the cards I send to two women in their 80s. I started on Page 1 of our joke thread and copied off several without getting past page 3. What a treasure trove! You may all want to go back and travel through our wit and goofiness - I recommend sending some to Rula and anyone else's aging friends or relatives.
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Jan 1, 2011 1:31:57 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jan 1, 2011 1:31:57 GMT -5
What a Good Idea, gk! I have spent hours going through some of these threads, with laughs! and tears!
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Jan 1, 2011 12:02:23 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jan 1, 2011 12:02:23 GMT -5
Here's one for DrK:
Year to date statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security:
Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 Transvestites 83 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3
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Jan 1, 2011 12:08:49 GMT -5
Post by jspnrvr on Jan 1, 2011 12:08:49 GMT -5
Here's one for DrK: Year to date statistics on airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security: Terrorist Plots Discovered 0 Transvestites 83 Hernias 1,485 Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172 Enlarged Prostates 8,249 Breast Implants 59,350 Natural Blondes 3 Hey, keep it equal, gail! What's the stats on "male enhancement" implants?
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Jan 1, 2011 13:22:43 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jan 1, 2011 13:22:43 GMT -5
There are implants?!?!
I thought the current therapy of choice was Popsicle sticks and duck tape. Sheesh! Who knew?!?
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Jan 11, 2011 0:07:05 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jan 11, 2011 0:07:05 GMT -5
There are implants?!?! I thought the current therapy of choice was Popsicle sticks and duck tape. Sheesh! Who knew?!? ;D Kids on Marriage1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10 2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? -Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) -On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? -When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 -The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7 -The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. - - Howard, age 8 7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is ....... 9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10
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Jan 11, 2011 0:42:03 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jan 11, 2011 0:42:03 GMT -5
Toooooo funny!
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Jan 17, 2011 11:14:44 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jan 17, 2011 11:14:44 GMT -5
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Feb 16, 2011 11:08:00 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 16, 2011 11:08:00 GMT -5
Subject: Catholic School
Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.
To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?'
Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'
Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'
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Feb 17, 2011 0:03:46 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Feb 17, 2011 0:03:46 GMT -5
Great One, gk! I just stole it.
;D
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Feb 27, 2011 1:09:16 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Feb 27, 2011 1:09:16 GMT -5
Here's another, BB. I actually believe in paying taxes and think the stimulus was a good idea. But this gave me a chuckle.
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format: Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers. Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers. Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ? A. Only a smidgen of it. Q. What is the purpose of this payment ? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy. Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up. Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely: * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka . * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China. * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala .. * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in America by: 1) Spending it at yard sales, or 2) Going to ball games, or 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or 4) Beer or 5) Tattoos. (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion: Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
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Feb 27, 2011 18:21:12 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Feb 27, 2011 18:21:12 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
Good one, gk!
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Feb 27, 2011 18:24:37 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Feb 27, 2011 18:24:37 GMT -5
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Mar 31, 2011 22:53:10 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Mar 31, 2011 22:53:10 GMT -5
Ole, the Norwegian, vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Okie dokie, let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lordy- it's 2011 and Ay got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible surgery techniques. Ay could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"
Ole says........."How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up
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Apr 1, 2011 7:03:24 GMT -5
Post by Jane on Apr 1, 2011 7:03:24 GMT -5
I usually get Peter (5) ready for school on Thursdays, but now I am working. I also continue to write for a magazine. This Thursday, Grandpa had to take over. Peter asked, "What's Grammy doing today--tooteling or making a magazine?"
I think that's what I'll call myself from now on--a tooteler.
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Apr 1, 2011 9:06:06 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Apr 1, 2011 9:06:06 GMT -5
Great jokes, BB. Some of me understood what was going on in the car bashing, I'm ashamed to admit.
JANE'S TOOTELAGE !!!!ACE YOUR SATs!!!!
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Apr 29, 2011 18:29:53 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Apr 29, 2011 18:29:53 GMT -5
Another indefensible blonde joke:
Alligator shoes
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration..... "THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
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Apr 30, 2011 0:23:02 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Apr 30, 2011 0:23:02 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
Good One there, gk!
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May 14, 2011 10:54:59 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on May 14, 2011 10:54:59 GMT -5
And now, a little Corporate Humor:
;D
LESSON:1
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch..'
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say..
Lesson 3
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 4
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 5
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
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May 14, 2011 15:56:15 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on May 14, 2011 15:56:15 GMT -5
Oh my, those corporate truths resonate with me! ;D My favorite is this:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
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May 14, 2011 16:35:00 GMT -5
Post by brutus on May 14, 2011 16:35:00 GMT -5
So, this fella walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey Osama. Puzzled, the bartender asks what the heck that is.
Says the patron; "It's two shots and a splash of water."
(Buh-dump-tsssh!)
~B~
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May 16, 2011 8:58:15 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on May 16, 2011 8:58:15 GMT -5
;D
Nice rim shot.
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Jun 6, 2011 11:36:04 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jun 6, 2011 11:36:04 GMT -5
Cleaning out joke files. some will be good, some just ho-hum, but they deserve one more time around the block.
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?' So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.' My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a 'show and tell' assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion... The first student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish and this is a Star of David ..' The second student got up in front of the class and said, 'My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary.' The third student got in up front of the class and said, 'My name is Tommy... I am Baptist , and this is a casserole.'
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Jun 6, 2011 14:18:31 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jun 6, 2011 14:18:31 GMT -5
Both good ones, gk!
;D
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Jun 7, 2011 8:59:43 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jun 7, 2011 8:59:43 GMT -5
Gailkate — the religion one is good; Wal-Mart is an ROFL classic.
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Jun 9, 2011 21:39:48 GMT -5
Post by BoatBabe on Jun 9, 2011 21:39:48 GMT -5
ALLLLL-Righty then. You will have to tell me how accurate this is, not being from Minnesota and all . . .
For all of you who spent time at Dalut or Wold-Chamberlain.
Just in case you didn't know...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.
Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."
The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."
The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.
Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.
"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van d**e Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.
Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.
Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.
The Hormel Company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!
Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."
Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat - chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.
Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!
Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet."
The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.
Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.
Now... it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN, in February -- Cold is a relative thing 65 degrees Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
60 Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
50 Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
40 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
35 New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
20 People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
0 Californians fly away to Mexico. People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
10 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
20 below zero: Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
30 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
40 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya?"
50 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
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Jun 9, 2011 23:25:30 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jun 9, 2011 23:25:30 GMT -5
Oh yah!
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Jun 11, 2011 9:24:59 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jun 11, 2011 9:24:59 GMT -5
Uff Da!
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Jun 13, 2011 8:47:06 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Jun 13, 2011 8:47:06 GMT -5
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Jun 14, 2011 17:00:29 GMT -5
Post by joew on Jun 14, 2011 17:00:29 GMT -5
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