How big is your circle?

[liriodendron]

Let's talk about personal space. How big is your circle? Who gets to breach it and under what circumstances?

Is there a reason why your circle is bigger or smaller? Is it cultural or based on where you grew up?

How do you greet people? Who do you hug? Kiss? How long do you have to know someone before you are comfortable being closer to them? Are there some people who are never allowed inside your circle?

Inquiring minds want to know...

[liriodendron]

O.K. I'll start, because I am really interested in this. Is it that people on the East Coast are just more comfortable having people invade their personal space? I have lived out here, in 3 different East Coast states, for over 35 years now and I am still incredibly uncomfortable when people I do not know, or do not know well, or know only in the sort of context that I would think does not involve hugging or kissing or standing incredibly close together, do these things.

I grew up in the Midwest. In my world, at least as an adult, you just didn't stand so close to people that you might accidentally brush up against them, especially if there was plenty of room for everyone to stand. I am not talking about crowded elevators or the T in Boston. I am perfectly fine with making exceptions for those sorts of situations. In my world you only hugged and kissed your family or your very close friends or the people you were dating. You did not hug or kiss acquaintances or neighbors or the parents of your children's classmates or your spouse's colleagues when you met them at the office Christmas party, even if you saw them at that same party every year for a number of years (unless, of course, you were also very good friends with any of these people outside of that setting).

So, is this actually a Midwestern thing or was my world just unusually hands off when it came to other people? Because it seems that I have a pretty big circle and I really do not like all of these random people thinking that it is perfectly fine to touch or hug or kiss me. (And according to my husband, the look on my face and my body language make my feelings pretty darn clear, not that this has discouraged anyone.)

[Jane]

After spending two weeks in NYC, riding the subways with my face pressed in someone's armpit and my hand touching two or three other hands on the overhead rail, I realize that my personal space varies according to the situation. I don't feel uncomfortable in very close proximity to others in the city but would find it so in the country. My family was not huggy and hugging my brother or sister still feels like holding on to a two by four. I'm comfortable hugging people or not, depending on what they indicate. With kids, I am happy with little space at all. My grandkids and the kids at school get lots of hugs and kisses.

I think you're right about the midwest being a bit more "standoffish" than south or west. But isn't the east coast (except for the cities) not that up-close-and-personal?

[gailkate]

I'd say the Midwest is definitely more reserved. Hugging in families but not among even close friends. When saying goodbye to dear friends as we all went our way after college, there were little self-conscious scuffle-hugs. But once I worked in publishing I became a cosmopolitan hugger. Maybe because we only saw each other at sales meetings, we usually hugged after spending any amount of time together at the first meeting, becoming warm huggers from then on. Cheek pecks not so much, not even in New York.

It's good this came up, because were any of us to meet in person, I'd be all over you like a jolly circus bear.

[liriodendron]

Jun 18, 2016 19:38:32 GMT -5 gailkate said:

It's good this came up, because were any of us to meet in person, I'd be all over you like a jolly circus bear.

I have no problem hugging good friends. I guess that what I really don't like are those cheek kisses, especially with people I am just meeting or consider acquaintances. It seems like they pop up everywhere around here and I particularly dislike that the people my husband works with think they know me well enough to do that at office parties and social functions to which spouses are invited. I mean, I don't do that with the people that I work with and I know them waaaaaaaay better than I know these people.

This topic is also on my mind because there is a new employee at work who hovers and gets in my space and I find it uncomfortable. When I told my supervisor about this, she talked about the idea that everyone has a different concept of personal space. I told her that I had a very large circle of personal space and that I thought it was a Midwestern thing. She seemed surprised by that comment, which made me wonder if it really was a Midwestern thing or if it was just me.

As for Jane's comment about the East Coast, I don't know. There are an awful lot of Italian people around here and they seem to be one big huggy, kissy, touching group of people.

[doctork]

I've lived all over except in the Midwest. I recall published studies measuring personal space in different cultures. Long time ago but maybe 18 inches in the US, 12 inches in crowded cultures, perhaps India, Arabian, or some Latin America environments. Note that on Muslim cultures closeness is sex segregated; women are generally not even in the same room with men unless they are family.

My impression is that people are more formal, less "huggy" in the east, particularly the northeast, more huggy in the southeast. PNW - casual in clothing but variable on hugging. In the southwest not so much hugging, but less likely to shake hands too (which is my usual alternative to a hug). Kind of a general "Howdy"

In government environs around DC, it's a handshake and "Nice to see you" - not "Nice to meet you" because you may have met before and forgotten, a big no-no.

I grew up amongst Southerners where manners are very important and Rule#1 is to never make the other person uncomfortable and aware that you've noted their faux pas. So you hug back, and the person who brought them will quietly let them know. Or the offender will note Its Not Done.

Cheek air kisses strike me as European, common in French or German social situations amongst people who have met before even if not close. Might occur at a work-related party if introduced to your spouse's close co-worker, about whom you have heard a lot. More likely between two wives meeting than between a man and a woman.

When introduced, I offer my handshake promptly, perhaps forestall a hug from someone who is not a close friend or family. If it's a situation where I am introduced as "Doctor" K, there is never a hug.  Probably the same for military officers - handshake or maybe salute.

[liriodendron]

I guess I need to move to the Southwest. I'm probably too old to join the service and I'd never get into medical school.

[BoatBabe]

Hmmmmmm. Interesting. This is a report from the Wild, Wild West. I tend not to be a hugger, except for family and very close friends; not my co-workers or co-workers of my spouse, yet. I can see where that might happen as time goes on, but no hugs now.

Unless you were born and raised in Europe or some other appropriate culture, Air Kisses are a photo opportunity affectation. It's not you. It's them.