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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 9:01:47 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 24, 2007 9:01:47 GMT -5
And just one more from the same source:
TALKING of romance, we hear of a North Sea oil worker who had calculated that he would be offshore on his silver wedding anniversary, but, rather impressively for a Scottish chap, he arranged for his local garage to deliver a silver £9000 Corsa car to his wife on the big day.
When he arrived onshore, he was congratulating himself on his thoughtfulness as his wife showered him with kisses until she said: "Very extravagant for our 24th wedding anniversary."
He now has a whole year to work out how he is supposed to top that next year.
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 9:25:29 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 24, 2007 9:25:29 GMT -5
Sounds like a good case of he was 'here but not all there!'
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 9:28:28 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 24, 2007 9:28:28 GMT -5
Thanks Tille, I often wonder if anyone reads these - far less "get" the joke. I'm never sure if the humour comes across over the pond. You might have an advantage having lived over here for so long.
Oh, all right, just one more from the same source:
WE are told about an overweight woman in Glasgow who went to her doctor. She was told to try a new eating regime. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. You should lose about five pounds."
When she returned, he was shocked to see she had, in fact, lost more than 24 pounds, and he asked if she had followed his directions.
"Aye, doctor," she told him, "But ah thought ah wiz goin' to drap doon deid on the thurd day."
"What, from hunger?" he asked.
"Naw Doctor," she told him, "from the bloody skippin'."
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Jokes
Feb 24, 2007 9:53:40 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 24, 2007 9:53:40 GMT -5
LOL! Thanks for raising my endorphin levels!
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2007 21:50:02 GMT -5
Post by joew on Feb 25, 2007 21:50:02 GMT -5
Don't stop Brit. Most of the items are quite funny, and a good number have me laughing out loud. Perhaps some response would be gratifying, but I've refrained on grounds of the Kantian Imperative — one should refrain from an action which it is not desirable for everybody to do. If everybody had to comment on every good joke, it could get rather tedious. Furthermore, it would implicitly damn unremarked-on jokes, if everybody praised the ones they liked.
So unless you hear otherwise, assume that we find them pretty good (in the APHC meaning of the term).
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 10:26:26 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 26, 2007 10:26:26 GMT -5
Well, I'll be implicitly damned, Joe. Just checked and only Rog replied on one of the several jokes I posted. Brit did not say "everybody" - you, Joe, used the "everybody" word. Besides the fact is, Brit was wondering if "anyone" in the great USofA understood English as well as American in USA Jokedom. If I happen on a funny, similar to you, I'll post, too. If I remember correctly, I liked all the jokes to different degrees according to my own healthy laughing meter, except, of course, the vulgar crude ones which might possibly have appealed to another's sensibilities. All's well that ends well, Joe.
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 11:50:50 GMT -5
Post by Tillie on Feb 26, 2007 11:50:50 GMT -5
One liners: 'A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.' 'How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven' 'Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to wear earplugs.' 'I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and the sky; I left my shoes and socks there - I wonder if they're dry.' 'And God said, "Let there be light" and the Electricity Company said he would have to wait until Thursday.' Cor blimey luv a duck, ain't they funny!
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 15:53:33 GMT -5
Post by joew on Feb 26, 2007 15:53:33 GMT -5
They ai indeed, especially the first two. The expression of approval for certain jokes implies neither enjoyment or lack thereof with respect to any joke not commented on. No inferences should be drawn with respect to the opinion of this writer or any other individual regarding any other jokes based on this writer's failure to comment on them.
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Jokes
Feb 26, 2007 18:12:33 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Feb 26, 2007 18:12:33 GMT -5
One day Adam and Eve were sitting in the garden of Garden Of Eden when
Whoooooosh......
God, carrying a sack, goes rushing past with little more than a smile and a quick wave. Adam and Eve look quizzically at each other, shrug and settle down again when, yes you've guessed it,
Whoooooosh......
God goes flying across the other way with a somewhat less full sack, laughing to himself and taking absolutely no notice of Adam and Eve who are now feeling that they are really missing out on something. So they stay alert and just in the middle of the next
Whoooooosh......
They call out and God comes to a sudden stop. They notice His sack is now nearly empty, but politely ask Him what all the fuss is about.
Well, He said, I found this odd sack of all different sorts of abilities sitting in my back room and I've been handing them out to whoever fancies them.
Such as? Adam enquired. Well the Giraffe fancied this extra long neck so that it can reach the really succulent leaves on top of the trees and the elephant wanted the really long nose and its great fun watching him squirt everyone with water and...
God then notices that the pair of them are looking rather hopefully at the sack so He opens it and takes a look inside. Well, I've not much left, but I do have this ability to take a piss when you're standing upright. "Oh please God, Please," says Adam, "can I have that? That's really cool, none of the other animals can do that, Please Pleeeeeeeaaaase."
God looks at Eve, who shrugs and says "Alright - if that's what he really wants". God looks in his sack and says "Sorry Eve, all I've got left is the ability to have multiple orgasms."
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Jokes
Mar 3, 2007 7:00:18 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 3, 2007 7:00:18 GMT -5
Anagrams can be fun.
DORMITORY = Dirty Room PRESBYTERIAN = Best in Prayer ASTRONOMER = Moon Starer DESPERATION = A rope ends it THE EYES = They see GEORGE BUSH = He Bugs Gore THE MORSE CODE = Here come dots SLOT MACHINES = Cash Lost in Me ANIMOSITY = Is No Amity ELECTION RESULTS = Lies - Let's Recount A DECIMAL POINT = I'm a dot in place SNOOZE ALARMS = Alas! No More Z's ELEVEN PLUS TWO = Twelve plus one! MOTHER-IN-LAW = Woman Hitler.
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Jokes
Mar 3, 2007 7:06:47 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 3, 2007 7:06:47 GMT -5
Standing at the bus stop yesterday morning in the sunny, but rather crisp, weather one old chap at the stop told his mate: "It's so cold, my backside's gone to sleep."
His pal replied: "I know. I heard it snore twice."
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2007 6:51:02 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 4, 2007 6:51:02 GMT -5
Noah was happily sailing along in the ark on the high floods, 2 elephants, 2 giraffes, 2 kangaroos, and so forth.
He noticed many holes in the side of the ark and panicked somewhat.
He grabbed the nearest landing net and ran across the boat port to starboard yelling "All hands on deck ... the woodpeckers have to go!!!"
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2007 8:51:11 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 4, 2007 8:51:11 GMT -5
Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services, including their typographical errors: ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." --------------------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------------------------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. --------------------------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2007 17:42:36 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Mar 4, 2007 17:42:36 GMT -5
Here's more: A study is underway by the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC) to determine if the clergy do more than lay people. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks On The Water”. The sermon tonight: “Searching For Jesus”. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. - Prayer and medication to follow. And the one I can't find at the moment had something to do with ladies that wanted to have children please meet with the pastor in his study after the service.
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2007 17:48:26 GMT -5
Post by Trusty on Mar 4, 2007 17:48:26 GMT -5
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2007 18:27:44 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Mar 4, 2007 18:27:44 GMT -5
Thanks Brit, Tillie and Trusty for the last batch of jokes. I tend to read a bunch at a time, then copy them off to friends. I'll add a few if I can find some w/o pictures. And what Joe said.
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Jokes
Mar 5, 2007 18:38:52 GMT -5
Post by joew on Mar 5, 2007 18:38:52 GMT -5
The Cryptoquote in today's newspaper says —
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.
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Jokes
Mar 7, 2007 15:04:58 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 7, 2007 15:04:58 GMT -5
The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, looking well rested.
"Good morning," he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night ".
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Jokes
Mar 7, 2007 15:08:57 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 7, 2007 15:08:57 GMT -5
A woman walked into an accountant's office and told him that she needed to file her taxes.
The accountant said, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He got her name, address, social security number, etc.and then asked, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she replied.
The accountant was somewhat taken back and said, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman thought: "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman said, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asked, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised four hundred and fifty-five little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Jokes
Mar 7, 2007 15:19:12 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 7, 2007 15:19:12 GMT -5
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, had been friends all of their lives.
When it became clear that Joe was dying, Mike visited him every day.
One day Mike said, "Joe, we've both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me just one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."
Joe looked up at Mike from his death bed, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him:
"Mike! Mike!"
"Who is it? asked Mike who sat up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike! It's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe." insisted the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replied Joe "And I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.
"The good news," Joe said, "is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play all the football we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're in the team for Tuesday."
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 16:03:23 GMT -5
Post by joew on Mar 8, 2007 16:03:23 GMT -5
85 year old Frank told his friend Bill that he was planning to get married. Bill asked, "Why? Is she beautiful?" "No." "Is she rich?" "No." "Is she a great cook?" "No." "Then why are you marrying her?" "She still has her driver's license."
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 17:01:41 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 8, 2007 17:01:41 GMT -5
"Exit" signs are on the way out.
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 17:03:49 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 8, 2007 17:03:49 GMT -5
Mildred, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home...and left it there all night.
You gotta love George
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 17:27:25 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 8, 2007 17:27:25 GMT -5
This is not a joke, but I was listening yesterday to something on BBC Radio 7. You must admit that British Policemen have a sense of humour.
When Sir John Pritchard was attending an investiture at Buckingham Palace to be knighted, and in order to attend, he had postponed his travel arrangements to his Villa in France.
One thing that was in short supply in that French Village was decent toilet tissue. So his partner, unbeknown to Sir John, had bought 12 packs of 12 toilet rolls and stacked them in the trunk ready for going straight to the ferry.
When Sir John arrived at Buckingham Palace, the policeman on duty requested to see his credentials. "Mmmm, yes, John Pritchard is on my list. Just a security check sir, please may I have the keys to the trunk? No - no, there's no need to get out of the car."
The policeman checked out the trunk and returned the keys to Sir John and asked quietly: "A bit nervous about the investiture are we sir?"
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 18:37:22 GMT -5
Post by gailkate on Mar 8, 2007 18:37:22 GMT -5
Hillary Clinton was out jogging one morning along the parkway when she tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to her, 3 kids who were fishing pulled her out of the water. She was so grateful she offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland ." Hillary said, "No problem I'll take you there on my special Senator's airplane."
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan 's." Hillary said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!" Hillary was a little perplexed by this and said, "But you don't look like you're handicapped." The kid said, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning."
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Jokes
Mar 8, 2007 19:43:43 GMT -5
Post by brutus on Mar 8, 2007 19:43:43 GMT -5
Speaking of the Clintons: Back in the second year of Bill's presidency, he was invited to be present at the opening ceremonies for the first game of the season at a Boston Red Sox home game.
After the National Anthem was played, the umpire nodded to Mr. Clinton who promptly picked Hillary up by her belt and heaved her over the railing onto the field.
A Secret Service agent rushed up to the president and said, "Mr, President, I believe, Sir, that you were to throw out the first Pitch! ~B~
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Jokes
Mar 9, 2007 13:57:55 GMT -5
Post by joew on Mar 9, 2007 13:57:55 GMT -5
One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."
The man thanked him and again walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"
The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said," See you tomorrow, sir."
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Jokes
Mar 9, 2007 14:00:33 GMT -5
Post by joew on Mar 9, 2007 14:00:33 GMT -5
This is not a joke, but I was listening yesterday to something on BBC Radio 7. You must admit that British Policemen have a sense of humour. … The policeman checked out the trunk and returned the keys to Sir John and asked quietly: "A bit nervous about the investiture are we sir?" LOL, brit. If an American policeman thought of such a comment, he would never dare to say it.
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Jokes
Mar 9, 2007 14:07:22 GMT -5
Post by Jane on Mar 9, 2007 14:07:22 GMT -5
I used to love to read the police reports when I was living in small town Indiana. One time it read,
"Man called to say someone was making fun of his pants."
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Jokes
Mar 12, 2007 16:13:21 GMT -5
Post by scotbrit on Mar 12, 2007 16:13:21 GMT -5
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon... you got nice house."
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