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Post by liriodendron on Mar 25, 2007 20:48:09 GMT -5
My opinion, for what it's worth. All of the poems are very good, slb. I'm not looking at this in terms of their brilliance, however, I'm looking at it in terms of which one is most likely to fit the bill in terms of being read aloud on the radio. I think Medicine would be the best choice of the three.
The poem about your daughter would be a great gift to give to her on her birthday, especially if presented on a piece of classy paper in your handwriting. It would be something that she could treasure forever. However, I don't know that GK would appreciate the significance of it the way that you might.
A Month of Days, I am guessing, is about your sister. It is a wonderful tribute. It is also longer than your other selections and I'm wondering whether or not the amount of time needed to read an entry on the air might be a consideration in selecting the winner. It is also, given the subject, a more somber reflection on spring. GK may be looking for something more in line with the promise of spring as opposed to its cruelty. Just my opinion, though.
Medicine offers pussy willows and rain and umbrellas, all very common in the spring. I also like Bookie's suggestion about the old lady being what you needed at the pharmacy, as opposed to simply filling a prescription.
Please take my comments with a grain of salt. I've never before attempted to offer constructive criticism on someone else's poetry. Hell, I'm not even an English major. What do I know?
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Post by joew on Mar 25, 2007 21:15:36 GMT -5
We'll have to quote the poems in replies. Then you won't be able to delete them.
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Post by joew on Mar 25, 2007 21:27:42 GMT -5
… In the meantime, where is my Roges? And where is my friend Gail? When will they be back? I'm about to post the lyrics to Dylan's "Abandoned Love." Like political insults to some of us, being abandoned, to me, is so very hard to take. gailkate last posted on March 18 at 7:30 as part of the discussion about Garrison's column. Ironically, it seemed that her greatest disagreement was with roges. But she hardly seemed upset enough to have to leave. roges' latest post was March 19 at 10:54 p.m. on "Blasts from the Past." Again, no sign of real upsetness. It was on March 19 at 12:39 a.m. that Trusty laid down the law that we couldn't attack each other personally. Could it be that they need the freedom to insult? (Even if they don't plan to attack anybody. Or write sentence fragments.)  |
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Post by slb2 on Mar 25, 2007 23:38:50 GMT -5
I e-mailed gailkate asking about how she was. (No reply, yet.) I haven't got roges e-dress. Neither one has left the group. Maybe they're on vacation. It is spring break, even if one hasn't any kids/grandkids.
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Post by Jane on Mar 26, 2007 9:48:06 GMT -5
SLB: They are all beautiful. As others have said, the last one made me cry. I don't know which I would choose.
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Post by joew on Mar 26, 2007 13:57:55 GMT -5
I e-mailed gailkate asking about how she was. (No reply, yet.) I haven't got roges e-dress. Neither one has left the group. Maybe they're on vacation. It is spring break, even if one hasn't any kids/grandkids. That's it! They're watching MTV. But seriously, folks, people do get busy sometimes. Even I have been known to go on hiatus now and then. I hope it's something like that with gail and roges. And Tillie makes three. |
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 26, 2007 14:00:57 GMT -5
If I am Selected
Well this is all very nice but
ieyyyyye am a frustrated writer
So what pray tell Am I going to do (That's Doo witha double O)
with a blow up bed of roses (how quaint)
After 40 years of dedicated observation
of the social eccentricities of humanity
would you have me miss that single
Ridiculed paraphrase which could
Plummet me to Stardom?
Ieyyyyye Sleep Ona recliner
In front of ... a computer
A bed of Roses and a cup of coffee
May ... and I emphasize May
get me laid by my current favorite fantasy
But since I am a writer
My fanasies are far beyond my comfort zone
And I would likely be far to frightened
To enjoy the experience
You could have given me A blow up doll
At least it would have had a minute
dimention of personality
But since the priiize
has already been Selected(Pun intended)
And you have Fixed YOUR fantasy on
J-LO And I on a blow up bed
With a copy of the "Comma Holly Sutra"
I accept your award with appreciation
Would it be too much to ask of you to deliver
It to my mothers home since this at least may secure my place in her will
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 26, 2007 14:11:03 GMT -5
That's it Joe! I've been watching MTV and all the blocked out blips of built up bare breasted beach bunnies on break!
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 26, 2007 14:19:47 GMT -5
Sorry I couldn't vote for one of your poems, my net was off line for a couple of days. But I do like the one of your daughters birthday with or without the direct reference to spring. I hope you win and I hope the Shoe Band plays my song.
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Post by joew on Mar 26, 2007 15:24:55 GMT -5
That's it Joe! I've been watching MTV and all the blocked out blips of built up bare breasted beach bunnies on break!  |
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Post by slb2 on Mar 27, 2007 10:40:51 GMT -5
For those of you who aren't writers of poetry, you've probably no idea (although after this, you might) of how obsessive it all can be. How I can spend TEN whole HOURS in an effort to eventually change two or three words. But I think I've nailed it. I think this is my entry. Although I have 36 hours to change my mind.  Turning SixteenMy daughter will be sixteen She's waited her whole life To spring from the in between It slices her youth like a knife She's waited her whole life This sugar maple child It slices her youth like a knife The boys are now beguiled This sugar maple child She's wet with April dew The boys are now beguiled See, everything is new She's wet with April dew But she shakes it like a dog See, everything is new Emerging from the fog But she shakes it like a dog To spring from the in between Emerging from the fog My daughter will be sixteen
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Post by booklady on Mar 27, 2007 18:27:17 GMT -5
That's beautiful, slb. "sugar maple child" "wet with April dew" "emerging from the fog." Lovely.  |
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 27, 2007 21:41:01 GMT -5
You inspired me into ten minutes of poetic reverie SLB. I guess that proves that "You The Poet" here baby!!
Perpetual Emotion
Look at her
Her Eyes are worn
Her mouth is tired
Her nerves are torn
A shade of what
She one time was
In the spring of life
Her world a-buzz
And here am I
In autumns dusk
A shade drawn
And long in tusk
Yet our summer
Spent in harmony
Was rich reward
A Victory
Soon the winter
Snows will come
To rinse me home
Like whitherd plum
Yet through her
Daughters daughters eyes
She’ll see me once
Again arise
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Post by slb2 on Mar 27, 2007 23:27:10 GMT -5
nice, roges. and i read a double entrendre at the end, there. but then, I would, wouldn't I?
naughty, naughty, naughty me
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Post by slb2 on Mar 28, 2007 0:06:48 GMT -5
Well, I finally submitted one of my poems. Did anyone else? I made a final change to the poem I submitted. Should I keep the editing a secret and make you wait until Sunday? ;D
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 28, 2007 8:11:59 GMT -5
Ahhhh Ya fixed yer avatar. I kinda liked the "Hidey Ho Neighbor" feel of the half avatar.
SLB If it doesn't contain double ententé you can rest assured it isn't me. Hehhee Winkwink
I am a poor listener, as you all know, so when is the Judging? I'm not sure that I can wait to see your added spring and hook that will launch me and Sparky under the rug like the dust from a lazy maids broom.
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Post by slb2 on Mar 28, 2007 8:39:38 GMT -5
roges, only, only in fantasy will I ever win that contest. I'll send you my poem by p.m., but you must promise not to post it.
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Post by booklady on Mar 28, 2007 16:57:12 GMT -5
I'll promise not to post it if you send it to me! |
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Post by joew on Mar 28, 2007 21:33:03 GMT -5
The sea breeze blows in,
Pleasant cooling in summer.
In spring it's too cold.
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Post by slb2 on Mar 28, 2007 23:26:38 GMT -5
Tell me of the sea
From here in Minnesota
We know only C
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Post by slb2 on Mar 30, 2007 15:55:03 GMT -5
Since Thomas has posted the potential winners, I might as well post the one I sent in. Oddly, it wasn't in Thomas' list!! And it is different than the other similar versions I'd written.
Sugar Maple
My daughter will be sixteen
She's waited her whole life
To spring from the in between
It slices her youth like a knife
She's waited her whole life
This sugar maple child
It slices her youth like a knife
The boys are now beguiled
This sugar maple child
She's wet with April dew
The boys are now beguiled
To taste her sweet debut
She's wet with April dew
But she shakes it like a dog
To taste her sweet debut
Emerging from the fog
But she shakes it like a dog
To spring from the in between
Emerging from the fog
My daughter will be sixteen
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Post by joew on Mar 30, 2007 16:00:12 GMT -5
The sugar maple and beguiled boys (I hope those are at least some of the changes) make it better. This definitely belongs ahead of some of the ones that were selected, and could have been a contender. Meaning it could have won, IMHO.
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Post by slb2 on Mar 30, 2007 16:06:08 GMT -5
The sugar maple and beguiled boys (I hope those are at least some of the changes) make it better. This definitely belongs ahead of some of the ones that were selected, and could have been a contender. Meaning it could have won, IMHO. Awww, joew. you warm my heart. You know just the right thing to say to a girl like me. How come you're still batching it? Oh, yeah. We're on the dopey side of the street. My name is probably on GK's A-list, like at the airports. |
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 30, 2007 16:24:11 GMT -5
Hey Joe. Hoe do you know who won?
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Post by rogesgallery on Mar 30, 2007 16:53:33 GMT -5
.
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Post by joew on Mar 30, 2007 22:34:18 GMT -5
Hey Joe. Hoe do you know who won? Nobody's won yet, and I don't know who it is. Thomas posted the fifteen finalists on the PHC Poetry Contest thread. That's all I know — that and I think slb was robbed. |
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Post by Trusty on Mar 31, 2007 16:44:35 GMT -5
A Month of Days has left me in tears and being able to feel my heart in my chest. "The Poet's Need for Redundancy" Sorry I haven't had time lately to visit this thread.\ Bookums, I wasn't making fun of your comment. I think you know that my sense of humor sometimes leaves the house without teling me where it's going; that's one reason I feel so at home here. Anyway, the placement of words in your comment stood out this way: Where else would you feel your heart? Not in your nose. Not in your toes. So, the words "feel my heart in my chest" seemed "redundant". (Just my AWOL humor meeting some words in the dark...) ;D OK? |
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Post by booklady on Mar 31, 2007 16:47:40 GMT -5
Oh! I get it now.
But it wasn't redundant, it was emphatic. ;D
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Post by Trusty on Mar 31, 2007 17:43:26 GMT -5
OOPS! There it goes again!  Young Bobby Plans His Future |
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Post by joew on Mar 31, 2007 23:56:13 GMT -5
This reminds me of a joke which doesn't begin, "If at first you don't suck cess," and doesn't have the punch line, "take a shovel and a straw and dig toward the cesspool until you do."
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Dopey Member
