I would like advice on how to be a rowdy girl with a sedate spouse? Is this possible?
What would it look like?
Rowdiness is best when done at full mob. Girlfriends from high school age to record-setting high. Spouse of good humour or at least sanguine. Getting laid not necessary. As my favourite outrageous leather chair says "Go OUT for adventure, come HOME for love." Wear whatever makes you feel fabulously sexy and plan to flirt like mad, preferably with folks of your gender of choice who are good humoured. Or wear a radish costume and tell folks you've been hired to promote radish ice cream (made with buttermilk) and served under trout sauce.
If you get yourself really horny run home to spouse and lay him royally; you can always go back out if you like. A rowdy night or two like that and he'll look forward to your going out without him...
The fully committed rowdy girl can get a party going most anywhere. By this simple trick. Go somewhere, usually a bar where you can hear yourself talk, but sometimes the supermarket is just fine. Practice smiling and saying 'hey' to folks that are clearly not beddables (remember the three categories of People According to High Schoolers: Beddables, Competitors for the Beddables, and the Irrelevant.) Say your 'hey' with confidence, the way you do when you are working horses or dogs or something. If two or more people respond with smiles or speech, then tell them that you are practicing being a rowdy girl which someone in Seattle told you to do. Put some jokes on note cards and read them off to the folks; this will build your confidence, invite others to tell jokes, and help you develop your sense of timing. Married buds and gay guys are great escorts if you need someone to keep you safe.
When you can do that and have fun with it, you're ready to don your radish suit and sally forth. Of all of the things I have ever learned in the whole world, this is easily the most valuable.
Now the cautions. If you do beddables they'll try to jump your bones and interrupt your fun, unless they are better mannered in which case they can be the most fun. Don't ever hustle another girl's guy or let him hustle you.
I don't drink and I end up having more fun than anyone I know and I never barf or have a headache or do something seriously stupid which Seattle is smart in that all of our public fountains are designed to be occupied by folks interested in occupying said fountain. There's always the Republic of Fremont, too, which is the centre of the Universe and is where Lenin's statue from Red Square is. You have to ring Lenin’s bell. Midsummer's solstice the Fremonsters ride their bicycles nekkid along the canal and up under Aurora Bridge by the troll.
During the Reign of the Reactionaries some folks tried to put a stop to that because, well, because, they somehow just couldn't help going to Fremont (it's out of everyone's way) whenever they had a carload of kids and who could tell it might be
that day (the same one every year, June 22, but who can tell?) when there's nekkid people on bicycles and how do you explain nekkid bodies, anyway? Can you imagine having to explain to an eight year old boy that he was born nekkid? Or, worse, that his
sister was born nekkid. It boggles the mind.
Actually its best if you're in a wheelchair because then no one is afraid of you, but then without my wheelchair I'm 6' 160 lbs and people think I'm probably a chainsaw murderer or something, unless I'm out with some of the Danish models from my building. Wheeeoooo. Like 7' tall, all legs and impossibly long waists and only 19 or 20 years old and really not liking American guys at all because they don't know how to have fun with their pants zipped and their hands off of other people's bodies and their minds out of the gutter. And women that age are just breathtakingly beautiful anyway and you run out of adjectives which were inadequate to begin with.
Where was I?
Oh, jokes.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The
blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the
toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,
will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
From south of the border:
How’s a boxer like a telescope?
Well, they both see stars… (rimshot, please)
Once there was a guy so cheap, I mean he was so cheap (how cheap was he?)
Well he and his girlfriend were out walking one evening when they passed the open door of a restaurant from whence wafted wonderful rich smells and cascades of dance able music. “Ooo,” she said, looking up at him hopefully, “Such wonderful smells, such beautiful music!” He smiled fondly at her, caught her hand in both of his, and said, “But of course, my dear! How rude of me. Would you like to walk past it again?”
Two friends are in a bar. The one guy lights up a cigarette and inhales appreciatively. His friend looks at him in surprise. “¡Juancho!” he says, “I’m shocked. Didn’t your doctor take your cigarettes away from you?” Juan blows a twin stream of smoke from his nostrils. “He did,” he says, grinning, “but I bought another pack!”
Here’s a list I know you’ll appreciate:
Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners.....
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1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
14. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
15. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
16. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
17. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
18. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
19. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
20. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
21. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
22. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
23. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
24. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up..